So the day before finals, I get a text from a friend, "do you want to go to a concert with me?" - SUUUUUUUURE why not.... who is it? I do admit that I have a bad habit of agreeing first and asking details later! Bad Myke....BAD! Now my luck I probably agreed to go see Power Rangers Vs. Barney Reunion Tour.... in Filipino..."Pag-ibig ko sa iyo.... Pag-ibig mo sa akin... Masaya kami ng isangpamilya!!" .... ahhhhh HEEEELP!!!
Luckily for me it was not. Although looking back - I would have made a good time out of it... of course I would probably be writing this blog via pencil and paper from jail; sending it through a black market chain of crackheads, rough-necks, thugs, guards and an ice-cream man just to get the written nonsense to "the spot" to be put up on the internet. All so y'all can say, "damn this fool needs help." See what I'd do for good writing....
I know how disappointed yous (I'm trying to fit in up here...I don't think its working) are that it is not the Reunion Tour... but instead it was to Maroon 5 and Train. I usually try not to critique people... ok so that's a lie... I usually don't' critique people with good lawyers (now we're tellin' da troof), but there really isn't much to critique.
To start out, I drive to meet up with the ladies... well 1 lady, 1 teenager, 1 young lady (and her boyfriend). Then here is where the craziness begins.... I really still think that I give off a beacon that says "Craziness Welcome."
Let's see if you can follow this.... the young lady's boyfriend was going to pick up the teenager's friend... but she was not going to go to the concert with us. We were going to take her to where the concert was, and then swap her out for a teenage boy so that the teenage girl can visit with her boyfriend who is the brother of the other teenager. These 2 had driven up from Virginia. Yes Virginia... I take my hat off to this father that drove them up. Because... um... I would not. I'd be like, "look- if you can't find a girlfriend, boyfriend, any friend in the city... no fuck that... on the same STREET we live on... you are gonna be one lonely mofo because I am not driving 1000 hours just so you can just walk around and "hang out" with your girlfriend." Besides as teenagers, shouldn't they be focusing on school? I know I waaa... ok I'm not gonna finish that lie either...
At first I was like... great- teenagers... another reason I am going to be writing a blog from jail... I can't stand mouthy teens. Thank god these kids were scared of me. It was probably because I told them that I just got out of prison, and this was the first time my probation officer was allowing me around people under 18, because the last time... well, I learned that when you break someone's jaw for back-talking, that you also break your parole! Ok- no I didn't- but that would have been funny! They were actually really pleasant to be around.
On the drive to the concert (which was in Hershey, PA) a big Septic truck drove past us. It shit all over the front of the vehicle we were in. I guess that was the shitty-ist part of the entire trip... because it was .... well ... shitty!! I got a really good laugh out of it... all I kept thinking about was 2 things... my good friend I used to fly with and our "Sherwin Williams" analogy (I'll get to that another time) and Scary Movie, "I'll shit on these walls Ray!"
We arrive, we do the switch (like some crackhos exchanging crack for crack) and go to get lunch... but of course not before we go to the "Chocolate World" , or "World of Chocolate" or "Whatever the Hell its Called" - "Chocolate Tour." Even though I have worked in 2 of the major theme parks in the world... I was still scared. First of all, cows are NOT supposed to sing. I mean unless you are on LSD.. then I am sure they do a lot of other things too... but in most cases- they don't sing. Secondly, if you are going to have stuffed singing cows... PLEASE... please please please please occasionally send someone through the ride and have them at least dust off the dirt that accumulates on the bottom "lip that moves like some Chucky doll from a freaky-ass movie" of said stuffed cows so that it does not look like they have some strange form of rabies that makes them foam black at the mouth. Think about da babies.... think about da babies!!
We go eat - real quick - all I have to say... NO A/C... Um- you are a CHAIN restaurant... Red Robin- better get it together... I can't be sitting and sweating and eating. No Ma'am!
Meal- finished.
We ask the waitress (and her little prissy-ass attitude) where we should park. She told us- we go there.
......Now.... hmmm... how do I say this... Well... I don't know her story... but... why would she send us to park at the Rapin Ranch? No... not the ROPIN Ranch... You read right... the RAPIN' Ranch. I mean granted that is not what it was REALLY called- but it was obvious that is what this place was. You know on those scary movies where there is an old abandoned "store-front" with broke down cars all around forming a "wall" so you can't see inside the dirty windows where you can see victims have scraped with their little dingy fingers "help me" in the dust.... well, we were there. Except instead of broken down cars around it... there were busses. It was hidden in the corner of this "lot" we were in. As creepy as it was, my creative side still managed to get the best of me... I just started to imagine the marketing campaigns for this place:
"No means No, Except at the RnR where its opposite day!"
Then I thought... WAIT A MINUTE... I think they are working somewhat with Lowe's....
"You can do her... we can help!"
"The Rapin Ranch... A surprise in every van"
"Its like prison...without the guards"
Before I go on, I have to make a disclaimer, because it has become more apparent to me that even people who claim to be my friends are very sensitive to things (how they still talk to me is baffling because I find pretty much nothing offensive as long as its said in jest (not Zest the soap, although I appreciate it if they are saying it clean smelling)- and not with ill intent.
I am not trying to make light of rape... it is NOT ok.
Although I am really thankful for rape... because without it... some people could not eat, animals would be in turmoil.
Ummmm..... not rape as you think of it you evil hookers!!! Brassica Napus... Look it up... educate yourselves you up-tight bastards!
So we leave the Rapin' Ranch and head over to the concert... fast forward.
The concert starts.
Did I forget to mention that it was raining? Well it was.
The first band - I can't remember the name of the band... of course I spent this time standing in line for beer... errr I mean water... I don't drink. (when I sleep)
The drummer looked like the Kool-Aid guy. Now I have my share of "big" friends. And I love my big gup guhls and big boy friends... but they don't ever wear a shirt that makes me think when I see them, "HEY KOOL-AID"... "OH YEAAAAAAH"
There are 2 fat (now you know I only use this term when I can't stand someone... I usually use the term chunky) drunk hos in front of us. Fine. They are drunk. They are fat. So what right? WRONG. I don't care how big you are, or how drunk you are... just... please.... just... don't be farting when you are within "smelling" range of me. And I could tell it was them, because they would be dancing (if you can call that dancing) and they were clapping, then suddenly they would get a concentrated look on their face... they would kinda stop dancing, sway (off beat) and brrrrrrmp- let 'er rip! Then they spent most of the concert taking pictures of themselves. "Oh thats a bad one... let's retake it."
"Um, sweetheart.... this is not a concert... its an intervention. We just want to gather here today to tell you... you are addicted to thinking that you can take a good picture.... you are ugly."
Train was a very good performer. I truly was impressed. Even though I enjoy his music, I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy Train's performance. I was wrong.
Maroon 5... as much as I love them. I was slightly disappointed. Not in the music. Adam sings great- in fact I LOVE his voice, but he spent most of the concert with his back to the audience.
Oh, oh, oh, oh... I almost forgot the Short Haired Electric Epileptic Shake Lady.
I do not think she was dancing. I think after about 64 beers, shots, and whatever else she was drinking mixed with the flashing lights on the stage... SHE, was not dancing. The people she was with were holding her hands as she was... well... shaking... just smiling. Of course it wasn't that "I'm happy" kinda smile. It was more like... well... when you see a baby, and they are smiling ear to ear... but its not a "I am a happy baby" smile, it more of a "I just shit myself" smile.... well... that was her smile. She kept pulling on the 2 guys she was with. I am assuming one was her husband and the other was her son. (Bless her heart) I wanted to be like.. HELP HER DAMMIT... but... I didn't want to be bothered.
So.....
That was my last day of school. I will be in Chicago next week for my book signing... Got ya!! I still have a little bit before I get to do that... one day though.
I will be in Chicago next week though. An entire week of me wandering around a big city... look out world!! Then I will be in Tampa, FL for a wedding. I smell something... and no this time its not the Offbeat Fat Farting Twins in front of me... its ADVENTURE!!!
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut" ~Ernest Hemingway (1899- 1961)
