Life's Cockroaches

So I am not going to start out like I always do: "It has been so long since I posted, blah - blah - blah - insert reason here... blah- blah- blah - funny quote."

Please notice by saying that I am not going to say it... I still said it... the only difference is - I have no reason... nor funny quote. I am failing.

I am trying to think of what has happened, not happened, going to happen and every possible verbal variation of "happening" in my life lately. So much. Too much. Not enough. Rarely enough. Sometimes an overwhelming enough. So basically life has been... well...... life.

I decided to make a major change in my "studies" and switch up my area of focus from Sociolinguistics to Culinary Arts/ Baking& Pastry. Siiiiiiimilar......but different.  (not really)

I had a cancer "scare" and it more or less made me put my life into perspective. I became REALLY philosophical (yes, even my crazy ass has a very deep sensitive side believe it or not).

It is incredible how quickly your mind kills you off when you hear that you are being checked for lymphatic cancer. I went from crazy to cremated in a matter of seconds!

Thank Buddha, God, Ganesha and Allah nem that all the tests came back negative. Of course in the process I gave so many vials of blood that I am determined that they were trying to clone me.

Also since my last post (I am pretty sure) I have lost about 30 pounds. I feel great...

So let's just say there have been a lot of changes. But change is good right? And just as the Hopi say: TA AA HOTA - the more things change, the more they stay the same.  That is kinda what I want to focus on during this post.

I have learned (or at least I think I have) that as we age... we change so much, yet so much of us stays the same. We are so filled with these desires and dreams as we are children... then we get older and other people treat our dreams like little cockroaches and stomp all over them... and do not even have the decency to pick up the crushed gooey carcasses off your brand new expensive carpet.

Why do they do this?

I think I have the answer...

Well... I have a couple theories.

1- they are just assholes... let's face it... they exist.
2- they are just so insecure with themselves that they do not like to see someone else have the drive to push themselves to get to where they want to be.

Let's face it - we are products of evolution. The survival of the fittest. The ones that make it survive and the ones that don't are stuck miserable hating life. The only problem that I have with this is the fact that everyone's idea of "making it" is not the same.

What is good for the goose - AIN'T (yes, I actually used that word) always good for the gander. We as humans tend to judge people based off of OUR feelings, OUR experiences, and OUR desires. Even though I have a tendency to sometimes do this (hey... even I am not perfect) I feel this is wrong.

I hate to use the cliché, "never judge someone until you have walked in their shoes," but it is true. It is very easy for us to say, "I would do this differently, I would say this differently, I would - I would - I would." Well - there are other people that would do, say and be different than you. That is what makes us so unique as humans... but also SO stupid!

Now I am not saying that I just accept every situation as ... well that's there life... move one with my own. I think that this, also, is wrong. Sometimes people are in situations because they have no other choice. And though I believe that we are all in the "situations" we are in based off of our own choices... it does not mean that we necessarily have a desire to 'stay' in them, and perhaps we want to change.

Change. A word that most people tend to shy away from. I think this is why so many adults are so miserable. They think of themselves as one way- and refuse to actually try something else out. This can be any situation... food, travel, people, life. People always say 'life is too short,' but I disagree. We are now living 80, 90, 100 years. Life is LONG. It is only short when we get to an age and think, "SHIT!! I shoulda, coulda, woulda." Do you want to live 80... hell... 50 years miserable? I know this is a loaded question because there are so many people that swear their life is completely fulfilling, but spend most of their days in judgement of others. This is no way to live. Well... at least not for me. But then again, it is usually these people that are saying to me, "you dream too much, you're all over the place, why do you do all of this stuff, you have done so much - but why."

We spend so much of our lives sleeping - it would be stupid to have ONE dream every time we slept... why have only one dream when we are awake?

I want to (as my mother says) "wear out, not rust out."

For some, they are comfortable being in the same place doing the same thing day in and day out for the rest of their lives. This is great. For them. I think the only time it becomes a problem is when they start pointing fingers. When they tell other people that what they are doing is wrong; what they are doing is a sin; they need to settle down and 'live right.'

People who are quick to point fingers are often slow to look at their own reflection.

Just because I want to do everything possible in the world, doesn't mean that this is right for everyone else, but don't fault me because I want to do it. There are very few things that I would not try.... although giving birth, even if it was possible - I'd pass! Actually - anything circling around being a female I would pass - NOT saying there is anything wrong with those that either ARE a female, or want to be a female... I am just saying - that's too much work....

Side note:  Females go through WAY to much shit. Being that I spent a lot of time around females (no I am not a player or a pimp (at least as a day job)... I just was raised by a single mother and an older sister... plus my best friend is female. Let's just say I see the crap they go through. Mental and physical crap aside, just their everyday routine. 

I would be one UGLY woman because I know what some woman go through to achieve what she considers 'presentable' to the world:
Get up early; Shower with 342 different types of products: body wash, face scrub, foot scrub, body oil, pre-shampoo, shampoo, post shampoo, wet conditioner; wash; rinse; repeat; shave legs without cutting up your knees; shave pits without slicing arteries; shave *shut yo mouth* and pray you don't nick anything because lawd knows how much you bleed in that area; dry off body; wrap hair in towel; put on regular lotion; put on scented lotion; put on deodorant; pluck eyebrows; (possibly pluck and/or bleach mustache); dry hair with towel; dry hair with blow dryer; put in leave in condition; brush hair; scrunch in mousse; brush hair; apply gel; finish off hair with fingers; spray on hair spray; apply concealer; apply liquid foundation; pat on powder foundation; put on lipstick; put on that eyelash stuff; paint yo eyelids; reapply powder; spray on perfume; put on more lotion (I am sure I would be a really ashy woman); brush your teeth; floss; gargle; rinse; spit (mind out of the gutter folks); check makeup in the mirror; put on drawz; find a bra that matches drawz; put on clothes; take off clothes; put on a different outfit; realize your undergarments don't match outfit; take off clothes again; change undergarments to match makeup and outfit; check mirror; touch up make up; reapply hair spray; cuss because you forgot you had a meeting at work; take off clothes; put on a more 'professional' look with pantyhose; touchup hair and makeup.............and this is all before 6 a.m!

I mean... I am a morning person and all.... but.... SHIT... this is TOO damn much shit to remember to do. I think straight men should really appreciate all the shit that females do... just to "look good"... I'm not even going to start on all the other shit that they do/put up with throughout the day.
I'm tired just thinking about it. In fact... I need to take a nap, and all I have done was think about it. I am too lazy to even type all the shit that females go through on a daily bases.... and yet some men complain because they are asked to take out the trash in the morning-  unshaven lookin' as hairy as a wooly mammoth in the winter wearing a mink coat, hair unbrushed, teeth unbrushed, in drawz they haven't changed in probably 3 days- AFTER they have had coffee and breakfast..... WAKE UP PEOPLE!! 

OK- back to our regular blabbing...

Where was I? Oh... yea.... life. 

I just find it funny that I like to do everything presented to me in life, and some people feel the need to bring it up in a derogatory manner - like it is a bad thing that I know how to do all the crap I do. Sometimes I like to do things simply to appreciate things more. Has anyone ever thought about that? 

Our society takes so much for granted that we do not even take the time out to think about how we get things- or even how far our society has come.

The other day I made mustard... why? Because I had a bunch of mustard in my garden that went to seed and I thought... hmm.... mustard seed equals good spicy mustard... I've never made mustard... I wonder what people used to do when they couldn't just go to the store and get it.... So I made it.

Let's just say I have a GREAT appreciation for our society before the days when everything was a convenience.

I think sometimes you have to make yourself walk through mud a few times so that you get a better appreciation for the sidewalks. We do not realize how great we have it.

Someone who is alone all the time appreciates the company of a friend more than someone who has never spent a day without someone by their side.

Life is a matter of balance. Whether we like it or not... even the 'bad' is a 'good' thing. Without the dark, we do not know the concept of light. I am not saying that I think that it is ok that people are 'bad' because it makes other people look good. I am just saying that the variations we see in life are what makes it so interesting. We have the freedom to choose how we want to be, where we want to go, who we want to be around (unless you are incarcerated and then you have no choice who you are around... but then again...karma possibly brought you there... so I guess you kinda did chose it...) It is these choices that lead our society to cycle of change.

As our society changes... TA AA HOTA... I still believe that people in the deepest portion of their being (and trust me sometimes you have to go REAL deep) are genuinely good. The things that corrupts them is when they try to live under other people's standards.

The more different a person is to me... the more I want to learn about them. What makes them - THEM?

Everyone has a story... the problem is, most people are way too caught up in their own life to even acknowledge that another person's story is just as beautiful and epic as theirs.  I do not want to be one of these people. As much as people work my nerve (how they work my nerves sometimes) I really do enjoy getting to know people's story.

So those of you who are reading this they get upset with me because I am 'kind' to people that YOU have issues with... those are YOUR issues that you need to work out with the people. I try to devote my life to being compassionate to all - even those that I do not like - so I suggest maybe you try that.

I have always said hating another person is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It does you more harm than good.

Have I changed?

Yes.

Am I ashamed of it?

Not one bit - because the core value of who I am still remains the same.

I admit though that even though I am trying to be a 'better' person - I still struggle with a lot of emotions. I guess that's what makes me human... or at least a pisces. Damn emotions!

I just want to be a good person.

It is funny because even though my medical testings came back negative- it really made me realize is that all our life really is - is just a preparation for our death. So I think that our death is really a reflection of how we live our life. If we have a fulfilling life... then death will be a fulfilling event. When we go, we will go in peace, and hopefully our next life (for those of us that believe in reincarnation) will be just as peaceful. And for those who do not believe in reincarnation - that when they go to heaven (for my Western-thought oriented friends) that they can do so with their loved ones saying, "wow what a great life they lived," and hopefully not - "THANK GOD THAT OLD BAG IS DEAD!"

I want to know that when my time comes to complete this life that those final moments when I am doing an ESPN-style replay that there are more great plays than fouls. I want to know that I was playing hardcore and not just sitting on the sidelines. I want to know that I was a good coach, a great teacher, and an even better student. I want people to be sad that I am gone, but more thankful of the times I was in their lives. I want to know that I loved more than I hated, and that even those that hated me - deep down in hated me because they loved me. Most of all I want people to know that I have never been afraid of death, only afraid to not live and that is why I have made it a point to go everywhere, try everything (even if it scared me), meet everyone, speak every language, eat every food, take in every breath, and try (I strongly use this verb here) to reject every conflict.

Wow... this post turned macabre!

Well... I guess I just needed to get that off my chest because I have noticed lately - since I haven't been working - that a lot of people have been coming at me with the attitude that I am not living life right because I do not have the same routine every since day. That is not my life. I have lived that style of life before and it made me really miserable. I am not saying that its a bad thing... it's just bad for me.

So those of you that want a routine same-ole-same-ole style of life. I love that for you - as I am sure a lot of stalkers do too because it is easy to predict what (or who in some cases) you are doing - when- and where!

Just be compassionate people.

Be forgiving.

Be loving.

LIVE!!!

"Your daily life is your temple and your religion. When you enter into it, take with you your all! ~ Khalil Gibran (1883-1931)"