I'm sorry, your Delay has been Delayed....

Delays, delays, and more delays!

This was an adventure where I could have done without a LOT of the issues.

Like no sleep.

The trip started out with a sleepless night. So I figured I would take advantage of it, get up, shower, double check my bags that I had all I needed (even though I knew I wasn’t going to need a lot because my traveling companions were not close friends)

I get dressed and make my way to the IHOP by work.

Always an adventure at IHOP.

Now I know that the area next to most airports are ghetto. I am ok with this. However…. Just because your establishment is in the ghetto, doesn’t mean you have to insist on hiring ghetto. Prime example here….

I walk into the restaurant. There is ONE man sitting at the counter. No one else.

Nobody.

And he is already eating. (Please remember this, as it is pertinent information for later in this part of the story)

I walk up to the host/hostess (I don’t like to discriminate) station.

“Um, baby, you gonna have to sit at the counter because today my feets is hurtin and I ain’t tryna do all that walkin”.

Yes… my thoughts exactly.

I don’t even have to type out what I was thinking, because I am sure you are thinking the same thing.

This was fine for me, because at the end of the day, I am there to eat, its not like there’re great views from any part of the restaurant anyways.

So I sit down.

At the counter.

I read the menu, and its pretty much easy, I am a man of pattern, and pretty much order the same thing there every time. Even though I read the menu and act like I’m going to try something new.

Well, this time I had to.

There were no grits.

Zip.

Zero.

Nada.

“I ain’t bout to make any with nobody here”

So, I have to order something different.

Meanwhile I get my coffee. Decide what I wanted, placed the menu down.

The waitress comes over and takes my order.

2 eggs, over easy.

2 Pancakes.

Turkey sausage.

Simple.

About 10 minutes, I look up and notice that the cook is in the back singing to Luther Vandross. Go ‘head, sing on, but, um…. Why are you back there standing around, just eating biscuits like they were tic tacs, sweat pouring down your face? I mean this man could fry chicken in his nostril if he got hot enough. Greasy greasy greasy!

I flag the waitress down and ask what the delay is on my food.

No I’m not in a hurry, however, I would like to eat sometime before my Christmas meal.

“Oh, I didn’t know you was ready.”

I wanted to say “Ho I was ready when I gave you my order, do you think I am enjoying watching Billy Bob in the back serenade us with his greasy bits of Luther all while seeing how many biscuits he can fit into his mouth pie hole?”

But I maintained my cool.

“I’m ready”

“Aight den”… and the order was put into the system.

While Billy-Bob started my meal in the back, I tuned out his singing, and turned my attention to the 2 waitresses talking. One of which was mine, and the other was another younger, prettier, but just as ghetto, girl. Complete with blue and purple weave.

Classy, I know!

“When dat ho (she said a name here, but it slips my mind right now, as its been a few days), when she gets off da mornin shift, ima cap huh ass when she goes out to huh car. I ain’t got time to study all dis bullshit, I’ve been doin so good tryna kick dis crack habit….”

I stopped listening right there. As much as I joke around about crackheads, etc. Here I was sitting not 10 feet from a genuine, authentic crack head. AND she was open about it.

I am mad that she is talking about kicking her crack habit in FRONT of paying customer at the restaurant.

Seriously?

I mean, it was funny as hell for me. In fact… I think a small part of me fell in love with her crack smoking, ass-cappin, blue and purple weave self.

Ima be huh future crack-baby daddy!

So I finish my meal, and head into work.

2 hours early….

Once everyone got there we looked over our itinerary, and like usual we had to go through our asses to get to our elbow.

In other words, we went to Cleveland in order to get to Washington D.C.

It was nice weather in DC but didn’t really have enough time to do anything, but go to the Chick-Fil-A next door to the hotel, and to the restaurant downstairs. It was nice to catch up with the bartender there. You know you have been to a place too many times when you know the bartender by first name, where shes from, etc.This is a little bit of a different situation though. This was also the place I have spent most time in, due to the blizzard that happened in February. She (the bartender) said that they literally JUST stopped talking about all the “activity” that went on during that time!

So fast forward to the best part of the trip.... (If there is a silver lining in a purse made of shit)

We work for 16 hours, and take a delay in getting into our hotel in Bournemouth, England.

Flying into the town, I already knew that I was going to love it. Looking down you could see fields and fields of green pastures. Horses running around. Catlle grazing. Flowers blooming.

We get off the plane and are greeted by the typical politeness that you get while in jolly ole England.

I keep using the “we” term here, so please allow me to talk about my travel companions. I will try my best to remain polite as possible, although I am not from England, so I do not have to remain polite by cultural expectations!

Let me start with what I think has to be the most annoying person on the trip. I start off with him because by the end of the trip, I had spent so much “forced” time around him, I was ready to gouge my eyes out with the next blunt object I found, and hang myself with a rope made from stolen hair weave!

This is someone that just doesn’t get it. By it, I mean ANYTHING. He is the type of person you just want to turn to and say … PLEASE, SHUT UP, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE LIKES YOU!

I tried reaching to the deepest pits of my soul to try to find some compassion for this guy…. Yeah, that pit was bone dry!

He talks in a monotone, non expressive , please push me off a rocky cliff kind of voice.

Then we have Ms. Lazy.

If you know me, I can deal with most things… hell, I even dealt with Mr. Monotone and all of his “honkness”, but laziness is something I can NOT tolerate.

I will not even start with her trying to gossip about one of my good friends; which I instantly had to put a stop to, because the mess wasn’t true.

I hate untrue gossip.

Especially, when it’s about one of my good friends.

Gossip is one thing, but I never gossip about (well try not to) people in a way that it would damage their character. Even if its someone I do not like. I try to be respectful to them, even in gossip.

I mean a ho is a ho is a ho… but I’m just going to say “may, shes a ho”. I’m not going to say “that ho has crabs”, unless I have heard from the ho’s mouth… “damn, I got crabs”. THEN I will repeat it. (Unless the ho specifically asks me not to say anything)

So back to my travel companions.

The other two are ok.

One of which I really can only tolerate in small bits. Although this time I will say he was more refined, and only managed to embarrass me a few time.

That should say something, because I don’t embarrass easily.

The other one, I had only had one encounter with on a previous trip a long time ago. It wasn’t so pleasant. So I thought she didn’t like me too much, but that was put behind us, because she thought the same thing about me.

We worked well with each other and managed to laugh a lot. She was my saviour on this trip.

She earned a lot of respect from me too, because she had “heard” some gossip about a friend of mine, and instead of just say “I heard this and this and that”. She actually asked if I knew if it was true.

That and she had a goofy sense of humour. She kept my blood pressure down for sure. Because with Madame Lazy, I think I would have lost my mind.

We only had approximately 11 hours in England. Yeah, I know a LOT of time after working for 16 hours.

When we got there, it was already day light. So we decided that we were going to go ahead and suck it up, shower, and meet downstairs, explore a little.

I didn’t have as much time as I would have liked, but for the time, I got a good amount of sites in.

The town is on the sea, and very “green”. There is a really nice botanical garden, complete with teenagers ‘getting it on’, homeless folks discussing the coming of Jesus, birds getting it on, fountains, squirrels getting it on, miniature golf course.

We (Madame Lazy, Miss Crazy, and I) stopped at a seaside place to get Fish ‘n Chips. I mean you have to eat that if you’re in England no?

It was very good, although I will admit I was a little confused because I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to eat the fish with my fingers or with a knife and fork. In fact, none of us really did. So I did half and half.

The cost of things was, I would say about equivalent to what we would pay in the states, although it was a little pricey for us because of the Pound to Dollar exchange. But it didn’t “break the bank” like things tend to in Europe these days.

England, and if not England, just this town, has the most hysterical signs I have ever seen. It might have been the fatigue setting in, or the combined stupidity of mine and Ms Crazy’s sick sense of humour; but the signs alone provided hours and hours of entertainment for us.

Back at the hotel was when the hell set in.

By hell, I mean HEAT.

The weather outside was nice. 80+ degrees, with a breeze so it didn’t feel that hot.

Now INSIDE… this was another story.

A/C is not a standard ‘issue’ for hotels in this town apparently.

At least the one I was staying in.

My usual routine whenever I travel is to come in, turn the air ALL the way down.

I like a freezing room.

If not freezing, at least cold!

I sleep better (when I do sleep) with a room that is cold.

This wasn’t going to happen.

No air… oh… and the window won’t open.

WUNDERBAR!!

So I spend the rest of the ‘night’ trying to fight myself to go to sleep.

I probably get a couple hours of sleep.

Only to work another 16 hours the following day!

Oh goody!

We get to the hotel in Nashville. (That was our next stop)

Initially I am supposed to have 21 hours according to our scheduling department.

Good right?

WRONG.

I have 15 hours, I have to report at 4:45…..

Yes, in the MORNING.

So…..

I go downstairs, like a good employee.

I already know that this day is going to suck.

1-because I am stuck with the monotone monkey.

2- because I had 2 hours of sleep. (it is still hard sometimes to readjust to time changes, even though we do this stuff all the time)

We get to the airport, get our tickets, go to the gate.

Suddenly there is a delay.

One hour.

Then another, making a two hour delay.

Well, I notice that we are not going to catch our connection in Memphis.

Like a GOOD employee, I decide that we should probably call our scheduling department.

I make mention to the monotone monkey, since he is higher than me on the chain of command, it is technically HIS responsibility to make the call.

“You call if you like”

So I do.

“Hey, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up that our flight is has been delayed 2 times, they are working on the plane, and were not going to make our connection. Delta has said that the only thing they could do was put us on standby for the flight into Atlanta (which is overbooked by 15) and then put us on standby for the flight AT 5PM into Miami.”

“What does Delta say…..”

Ok, now I know I have issues sometimes understanding stupidity. Its not one of the languages I speak apparently. But didn’t I JUST tell you what Delta said?

I repeat this…. Again. And make a POINT that I am already fatigued, and did not want to be spending the entire day “waiting” on my fate as to if I’m going to make a flight or not.

I go through and tell our travel department all the options. I did their work for them basically. There is a direct flight on American, and a direct flight on Southwest. DIRECT. Meaning I do not have to go visit ever city between here and Miami. Direct meaning getting STRAIGHT TO THE POINT!

“No, just keep it as it is”

……..

Seriously?

I have told you that were not going to make it on these flights…. And you tell me to keep it as it is.

Well sure as shit attracts flies… the flight ends up cancelling all together.

So, numb-nuts doesn’t want to call… again…

I call back.

“Hey, the flight has cancelled”

“What is Delta telling you”

“Let me repeat this, SLOOOOOOWLY…… THE…..FLIGHT….. HAS ….CANCELLED. I vote you just send me back to the hotel, so I can actually get a proper nights sleep, and then I just come back and do the same thing in the morning”

“No”

“I’m going to look at other flights, and call you back”

Now I had already told her what flights there were.

She calls me back.

“Were putting you on a flight at 2pm on Southwest.”

“Direct?”

“No, through New Orleans”

Wow…. So I have been in this airport since 5am, and you want me to sit around like bird shit on a statue until 2pm. THEN you’re not sending me direct to Miami? But I have to go to New Orleans?

Do you people need a map?

I have learned that when you have your balls in someone else’s hands, you try not to piss them off…. Apparently I have done something to majorly piss these people off!!

I make it- finally- to New Orleans.

Low and behold… the connection……

Delayed once……

Delayed twice……

DO I HEAR THREE TIMES!!

SOLD!!!!!!!

3 times delayed!

The gate agent was amazing though. I have never seen anyone work so patient, so calm, so respectful, and so professional. She helped make my day bearable.

We eventually get back to Miami at 10:30 that night.

Almost 18 hours, for what could have been a 2 and a half hour flight (on a slow plane).

People think that my job is easy.

It is… extremely easy.

It’s just dealing with the idiocracies within my job that makes it hard.

It’s easy for them to play with your life, because its not theirs.

I remember I got in from a trip one time… after being on duty for 21 ½ hours in planes, trains, automobiles, horses, carts pulled by goats, carried in papooses by fat Bavarian women… you get the point- and the person in scheduling was complaining because he had been working for 10 hours.

Yea- in A/C, behind a desk, in the same time zone, able to step away to get a bite to eat, and pee when he wanted.

Insensitivity at its best!!

So now, I am fighting off a cold.

I still do not know what day it is.

I am forcing myself to get better. I FINALLY am getting a good trip with amazing people, and to great places!

Hawaii

Marshall Islands

Guam

Vietnam

Please prepare yourself for an awesome adventure. I know I am!

“We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery” ~H.G Wells (1866-1946)