When Dog Shit Flies

Society is full of such judgement... "you're too fat, too thin, too black, too white, you have too much of an accent, your hair is too short... thin... greasy...nappy."

Je m'en fous!

I know that for me to say I do not judge is hypocritical, but I truly feel there is a difference in what people say and what people feel. I say a lot of shit jokingly, but anyone that truly knows me knows that I would do anything for anyone. And lately I have been trying to keep my jokes to where they do not appear as if I am judging people... because let's be honest - NO ONE has room to judge....

Which brings me to my topic of today.... uh oh.... an actual topic you say?

Yes.

This is a really touchy topic... so if you are easily offended... well... you know the routine.

I actually want to vent about a topic that we are always told, "do not ever discuss this." Well shit.... it's my blog, and I talk about what I want... so I am going to talk about religion.

Before I start... well I guess I have already started so let me rephrase this... now that I have started, let me say that religion is something that fascinates me more than almost any topic in the world.

It has always confused me why we 'don't discuss religion.' I understand that people get all bent out of shape... but why wouldn't we discuss religion? If we never discuss things, how will we ever learn? I think that is the problem with the world right now is that we are afraid to talk about things that may be offensive to someone else.

I would rather talk about something with someone - know where each other stand - move on!

I find it very interesting that people are offended if you TALK about religion; however, they have no problem killing or hating in it's name.

Let's get a few things straight. I have studied and probably practiced almost every religion there is. Remember a few lines earlier I said it fascinates me more than almost any topic in the world... there is a reason for that - been there - done that!

I was raised in a fairly strict Catholic family. When I say fairly strict - I mean it was mostly my grandmother. If there was the slightest crack in that church door that meant they were open and we had to go to mass. All of my great aunts were nuns, and my grandmom once told me that me becoming a priest would make her so happy... good gawd, could you imagine me a priest?

Needless to say that even though I do not follow Catholicism, I still find it enjoyable to go to mass. I mean where else can you get a workout- AND feel blessed at the same time.

Stand.

Kneel.

Sit.

Kneel.

Stand.

Breath.

Repeat.

Walk.

Kneel.

You put your right foot in and you shake it all about.

My issue with religion comes in when we talk about the influence of mankind. There is NO way you can convince me to believe that what we read does NOT have any type of human interference. Every religion that has started, been revised, been made up is just that: the influence of man. We take what we THINK is right... interpret it as "the word" and that is law.

Within Christianity itself - look at ALL the branches there are:

Catholic (and the 50 million branches: Roman, Syiac etc)

Methodist

Lutheran

Episcopalian

Presbyterian

Eastern Orthodox

Baptist

Southern Baptist (trust me... there's a difference)

Anglicanism

Apostolic

Pentecostal

Adventists

Church of God

Mormons

Jehovah Witnesses

and the list goes on

and on

and on.....

And I bet if you ask anyone that goes to they will tell you that THEIR church is THE one.

More than likely they go to that church because it meets what they "feel" is right.

Yeah... I'll say it... we choose religion like we choose clothes, "oh yeah... this looks good on me... Ima go here."

This fact alone tells me that there is not ONE religion that is right-er (if that is a word) than the rest. Simply because it is like clothing. Just because one person wears jeans in the summer, does not mean that everyone else has to wear them.

I guess what I am saying is that religion is made up.

Now once again... don't get your panties all wrapped around your test-tackles... think about what I am saying. THINK. I know this is something that religions rarely ask you to do. They tell you something and we believe it... no questions asked.

Religious leaders/reformers are the oldest form of translators in the world. They see what the 'mother' religion is teaching... ehhhhhh..... I don't like this and that... let's start our own.

Eventually they find enough people that believe that drinking wine is wrong, even though the Bible states that Jesus turned water to wine, and instead serve grape juice...

Eventually this group gets together and decides that THEY are the only ones going to heaven. Sooner or later this group turns into a congregation... and before you know it they are boycotting everything, and publicly judging issues and actions of other people who never asked for their opinion.

Yes- NEVER- ASKED-FOR-THEIR-OPINION.

Opinion.

Look up the word people... there is a difference in fact and opinion.  Facts can be proven.

I digress....

I could get into a pissing contest about this... but I know it would be like arguing with dog shit... I could yell all I wanted, and the shit wouldn't smell any better!

I get it... I really do. We really are damned if we do and even more damned if we don't.

Or are we?

Does religion really have to have us living in fear?

Do this and you will burn in hell... do that and you will live in an eternity of hellfire....

How about this... live your fucking life. The end.

I truly believe that all God, Allah, Ganesha, Buddha, Jesus, Jah, Yahweh, Jehovah (whoever you call god or your teacher)  wants is for you to love life. To LIVE life.

So many people do things because they are told. They end up being miserable and causing other people misery. They end up 'sinning' and instead of just saying 'oh well I fucked up' they decide to beat themselves up the rest of their lives.

What good is there in that?

You live 60, 79, 80, 302 years (hey, it could happen).... or should I say you are around that long.

Think about it... do you live or exist?

I can say that at 34, I have done a lot of things. I have lived my life... and I plan on living the rest of my life. I will love who I want, and do what I want...compassionately. I do not seek to hurt anyone, or anything. I believe that we were born to experience life. Not to fear it.

I think these "rules" were put in line to keep society calm. Trust me, I really think there is a societal NEED for religion. It is one of the largest institutes of sociology and without it I truly think that humankind would manage to kill itself off in a matter of years if there were no "religious" rules to keep us at bay.

I just think it is sad that this is what keeps most people from living sometimes... then again.... it is also what keeps people from murdering too... so maybe it's not THAT bad of a thing sometimes!

I have had people ask me several times what religion I am. My answer pretty much is: yes.

I may 'live' my life under Buddhist principles, but at the end of the day my religion is life.  Period.

I personally choose to live my life under the guiding principles that life's only rule is to live compassionately. Do no harm unto others. Love more than you are loved. Take no more than you need, and accept that the things you have in your life as all that you need so that you need for nothing.

It is ok to make mistakes, but it is not ok to not learn from those mistakes.

Life is a lesson, and I think the only thing that truly pisses (insert deity here) off is that you never learn from your mistakes... actually that you never learn at all.

I have said it multitudes of times: Life is like an all you can eat buffet of knowledge and you are stupid if you starve. Learning is the best thing about life.

Challenge yourself everyday. Even if it's telling yourself to be friendly to those around you before you have your first cup of coffee... I know this in itself is asking some people to perform a miracle because so many are not morning people.....

Which brings me to my side note rant:

WHY the hell are people so miserable in the morning?

I mean... for the love of vegetable fried rice YOU WOKE UP!! Isn't that enough for you, you ungrateful fuck? You were given another day to open your eyes and make a better day than the one before!

Would you have rather opened your eyes and found that you were on the dirt side of the grass? Is that what you want? How difficult is it to say... WOW... I get to see another day. I get to see those that love me at least ONE more time. I get to eat my favourite foods; today if I want, I can go wherever I want. What about YOUR life is so miserable that getting another day sucks?

Is life really that bad?

Is the fact that YOU made the choice to go to bed late everyone else's fault so you have to take it out on them? Or... is it the choice YOU made to have a job that makes you go in earlier than you like to wake up... since when did YOUR choice become my fault?

Did I go interview for you and then say... oh... by the way... YOU have to go in early because during the interview I told them that you are going to go in early. No... I don't think so.

I really don't get it.

I mean I know that I probably am more cheery than most people in the morning... ok... I AM... not "probably".... but my point is this: I am thankful.

I feel (to repeat a phrase I giggle at every time I hear) blessed and highly favored to be able to open my eyes and make the best out of a day because not everyone is given that chance. I am sure there are several people who would love just one more day to open their eyes early... that's it...just open their eyes, let alone have the opportunity to make a great day.

Yes... we MAKE our own great day. We are the drivers of our own life... we can't blame backseat drivers for fucking up our life. We can't say... well... it was (insert deity here)'s will for this to happen and not triumph over obstacles ... like getting up in the morning. I don't believe that... maybe my belief in a karmatic life over rules the Catholic upbringing...

I do not believe that our life is set in stone. So that shit may be set in stone for you.... but just like stone... that shit don't fly with me!!!  Just because you are being a prick and wake up hating life does NOT mean that everyone else has to suffer for you hating YOUR life. I happen to love mine (as complicated as I may make it sometimes)... I still choose to feel that when I am given the opportunity to open my eyes one more time... that I am not going to insult (insert deity here) by taking for granted that opportunity to make (he/she/them) smile.

If you don't want to wake up in the morning... do me (and all other people that appreciate the opportunity at another day) a favor and either shut up and smile... or go the fuck back to sleep.

Damn.

Shit.

Closure.

Ok... where was I?

Whew!

:::sigh:::

Can you tell I do not like it when people take out their misery on other people?

So... back to religion.

Religion.

Do people even know where the word religion comes from?

Latin, "religare / religio." To bind / obligation.

Obligation... a course of action that someone is required to take....like taking a shit.

We are obligated to doing it. We have no choice. It just happens. If we don't do it... the ending is shitty.

So see- we are not given a choice...

This is why I feel so many people hate religion... and why I feel that a majority of "religious" people are hypocrites. In the word alone it states we are obligated... given no choice... yet in religion EVERYTHING is a choice. Do I want to be Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, Chickenistic (this is a religion of the worship of fried chicken... it has evolved to have two theories of thought: the dark meat and the white meat chapters).

My point is this. We need religion. But we do not need to take it so seriously.

We pick and choose what is right and wrong... basically what fits us.

"Oh... it is cheaper to make cloth of more than one material... so it's no longer a sin to wear clothing woven of 2 kinds of material...."

"It is better for us to breed a horse and a donkey together to get a stronger work animal (mule) and use it to plow a field where we are going to plant beans and corn because it makes since to let the beans grow up the corn stalks, and we can use the nitrogen from the legumes to help replenish the soil when we till it back into the earth."

"Hmm... we decided that we like rare meat... let's eat our steak rare."

What the hell do any of these things have to do with religion you ask? They are all sins according to the Bible... yet we as a society have decided that these weren't really sins. They were just somehow put in there to add extra words to make bigger paragraphs... you know... similar to all of that fluff you used to put into school essays to make a larger paper.... that way it seems like you know what you're talking about.... yeah... exactly.

That is what I mean by we pick and choose.

We decide that the convenience of something overrides that of what (insert deity here) wants us to do... but it is the 'other' religions that are wrong for believing what they believe.

A good enough lawyer can convince a jury that a man guilty of murder is innocent... what makes you think that a religion cannot convince you that others are wrong. It is all about perception.

I once was convinced to go to a church with a coworker who had been begging me to come to church with her. "You will LOVE my church... I promise," she told me.

No words could describe how I felt going there.

The opening sermon started out by a man wearing a too tight leisure suit screaming at the top of his lungs, and I am quoting him word for word.... "The problem with this world is from the influence of niggers, fags and chinks."

This... my friends... is religion.

You can say... "now this is not a TRUE Christian church."

Oh... but it is...

They had a following... and the pews were PACKED!

You can say, this is not what the word of the lord preaches...

Oh... but it is...

Because like everything else in this world... there is a Bible verse for.. and against everything. It is all a matter of how we interpret it.

And as a linguist... let me tell you... anything can be interpreted any way.

I am not saying... stop going to (insert place of worship here).

I am just saying THINK.

Think for yourself.

I know people that go to churches that preach homosexuality is the work of the devil and every homo shall burn in hell... everyone affiliated with homos are no better....

They give 10% of their wages to this church.

They hoop and holler and praise the lord as the preacher preaches...

Yet Friday night comes and they are the biggest fag-hags you have ever seen. They are doing shots and letting the gays grab their boobies.. then making out with em....

Yep.... where's the thinking?

I know people that are married for the second time to someone who is a different religion than them, yet they still go to that place of worship almost every other day....yet they are not "a member" because they were not raised that religion.

THINK PEOPLE!!!

You have people that are following things because they are "supposed" to and the church looks at them as outstanding members of the community (while they are there) but then you have people that are "living the word" and are shunned.

What the hell is happening??

As I once heard someone say: Praise Jesus on Sunday- Forget about it on Monday!

I'm not saying do not be Christian.

Be whatever religion you like. Please... believe something... I think it is important to believe that there is something more powerful than you... it keeps you humble.

But I think religion is like a fart... it is something we all have to do... but it is meant to be kept in private. Even the Bible says that (Matthew 6:6)... well... the private thing... don't look up that scripture expecting to read about farting... you'll be disappointed.....

All religions are beautiful in the boiled down reduced essence of it.

Islam (which is sadly given a terrible image these days), Judaism, Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, Christianity, Voodoo, Wiccan... all of these (and all the others) are all beautiful. The sad thing is people hear another religion and they are freaked out about even learning about it.

Remember what I said earlier about starving at a buffet of knowledge... see what I am saying?

Just because you are Christian, does not mean it is wrong to learn about Islam. And I mean truly learning. I do not mean listen to what you have heard other people say about it.

You might be surprised to learn that the Quran is like a detailed version of the Bible in certain senses. You might be surprised to learn that Western religions really all have the same general rules.

You might be surprised to learn that all religions are is basically a way to keep your greedy ass in check.

So I guess the moral of this post is to say this... LIVE your life. Live it compassionately. And don't be the monkey wrench in my spokes simply because you're an asshole and hate mornings.

"Purity or impurity depends on oneself, No one can purify another." ~Buddha

Running Backwards Through a Bucket of Chitlins'

Woo hoo... another post and it hasn't been 6 months!!

Perhaps it is my 'po man's cappuccino'... double dose of coffee, cinnamon, cardamom, and condensed milk. Well.... more than likely it is the fact that I have had 6 of these bad boys, and my mind is hopping around like a colony of rabid rabbits on X, laced with viagra at a bunny whore house....

Wait.... that might not be a good analogy... I'm not hopping around humping everything... my mind is just jumpy....

I can only imagine what my readers think about me...

These past few weeks have been action packed. I am in a word... TAHD..... that is so tired that you can't even form your tongue to pronounce the entire word... just T-A-H-D!!

I was in San Diego, California for a week; then went to Seattle, Washington for a few days; then I went to Calgary, Canada for some mo' days....

Want the highlights of the trip?

Caught up with my brother that I have not seen in 13 years. That really was the best part of the trip. I have never ever felt so happy. Sometimes a walk down memory lane will really subdue the shit-storm of thoughts running through your head... this time it did. It was bittersweet because my brother has gone through so much, and I felt like a failure because I was not there for him. We used to be very close growing up. Hell we even wrote our own language......

O ga drolu xe cha sa iowo nox le sa!

Zwo??

YES!!!

But I realized that we cannot live a game of what-if. The point is that I am there for him now... and vow to be there until I go to that big all you can eat buffet in the sky... or the eternal sizzlin' hot bbq tailgate party below... wherever my Christian friends claim I will end up... either way... I am there for him.

It was great to meet his wife. They are so perfect for each other. It really makes me happy to know that 2 great people have managed to find each other and complete each other. It was like the perfect outfit. They are each beautiful individually.. but you put them together and GOOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!! Instant movie star!

It really made my heart smile!

It was nice to tell embarrassing stories about our childhood... I mean... mostly about him of course... I mean come on... you think there would be ANYTHING embarrassing about my childhood?

........ like pretty much 98% of it.........


Well , that was pretty much the highlight for me of San Diego.

Then Seattle was a great time.

I remember going to Seattle once or twice while I was flying. I remembered liking it, but I don't think I got a true feel for it. This time changed it.

Talk about getting the royal treatment. I got to spend a day at the zoo, swam with the sharks, did a behind the scenes tour... awesome!!

Then I got to go do a ropes course in one of the most beautiful places I have been to in the United States... with one of my most favourite people... in the world!

(it helps that she is probably this blogs biggest fans)

I feel that I really got to know her. Even though we didn't talk TONS... I could read her energy.

I know that sounds kinda 'voodoo-ish' but those who are "tuned" into people probably understand what I am saying.

She is beautiful; happy, yet a humbleness about her. I have never heard her say a negative thing about anyone. She is so quiet, yet you can tell that she has SO much to say inside. I kinda learned that she follows the rule that I fail on... quite often.... she thinks 3 times and speaks once. I am happy to call her a friend!

It was a great trip in Seattle.

Canada....

Well............

I got sick.

And not just, "oh I don't feel well" kind of sick.... I mean "OH SWEET BUTTERED GRITS SOMEBODY CALL AN EXORCIST" kind of sick. And for those of you who know me, know that I have a strange 'phobia' of throwing up in public.....

yes.....

And to make matters worse... it was a public bathroom...

wait...

I was in Canada... a public washroom.

It just snuck up on me like an ugly person at the club when you're one of the last people in there and they turn on the lights... then you realize that you have been slow dancing with someone who looked like the product of Shrek having sex with a bucket of chitlins'... miscarrying.. eating it...then shitting it out...

Not that that has ever happened to me....... more than 3 times..... (maybe 4)......

So yea... it was a surprise... and not a good one!

Pretty much sums up my last 2 weeks.

Other than that... life is life.

Good. Bad. Happy. Sad. Energetic. Exhausting.

It's just a matter of balancing it. One day I will learn to juggle... that may help me figure out what I need to do in life to gain some balance in my emotions...

......one day......

It's crazy because it's like I have SO much to say, but can't say it. The only quote I keep running through my brain is from my favourite movie, 'The Color Purple,' where Ms. Sophia says, "I know what it's like Ms. Celie... to wanna sing... and have it beat outcha...."

No... I'm not being beat. If that day ever came... y'all better buy the tickets to see Disney on Ice staring the Devil as Mickey Mouse... because that will be the day that hell not only freezes over... but Mickey Mouse reveals he's really a rabid midget (excuse me- little person) with a heroin addiction....

I am just saying that I can kinda understand what Ms. Sophia is saying.

It's like there is soooo much I want to do in my life. But it's hard to do it because it conflicts with what other people want me to do.

I get it... we are all woven in this great species called humanity... but it is hard to find that balance of good for the goose AND the gander kinda deal.

It's hard to be free, without imprisoning someone else (in some shape or form).

But I ask- where does it stop?

If I do something that I want to do... I'm being selfish...

But if the person I am imprisoning is asking me not to do it because they don't want me to...

They are being selfish...

Damned if I do....

Damned if I don't...

So basically my brain is about as unorganized as a Mongolian goat fuck right now.

I need to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

I need to figure out how to get there... without hurting anyone else...yet still satisfying myself...

:::sigh:::

Why doesn't life come with instructions....

hell... being that I'm a man... I probably wouldn't read the damn things anyways... so I'd still be in this predicament.

I think that is why I love being in nature so much... I know you're thinking... DA FUK DAT COME FROM?

:::bunnies hop away:::

I love nature because when I'm in nature I actually feel at one with the universe. There aren't computers, cellphones, masses of people... it's just you, and Mother Earth.

(here comes my side note rant)

I have noticed that so many people are all up in your life... especially lately with a few friends of mine... and myself...

But I find that those people who are telling you (I am using 'you' as a generic term here) how to live your life... who to love... what to do for a living... what to study... when they are around you- they don't pay 2 shits worth of attention to you.

They "care" so much about you... but when you are with them- they pay their attention to cellphones, tv, iPad, tablets, computers, pagers (for the old skool playahs)... and when you say something to them- they get all bent out of shape.

It annoys me.

I sometimes feel like- what is the purpose of having "friends" when all they want to do is be on their phones. What ever happened to conversation?

Don't get me wrong... I love technology... but technology... like chainsaws have a place.

Chainsaws are good for cutting trees... but it is probably not a good idea to try to get one through airport security... in fact... they probably would get a little pissed.

Much like me and technology...

Don't tell me you want to spend time together... or hang out... and then spend your entire time we are together texting someone else... or watching tv...

Next time... just text me!

PLUUUUUUUUUS.... and this is something that makes no sense to me....

Why is it... that when I text, and/or call, email, morse code or smoke signal your ass... you NEVER reply.... BUT... when I am with you... you are AAAAAALLLWAAAAYYYYSS ON YO MUH-FUCKIN' PHONE.....

::::::deeeeeeeep bref:::::::  ('brefs' are more deeper than a breath)

I digress...

I am through...

Finished...

Fertig...

So yeah...

Mother Earth. She is always there to listen to me. Perhaps that was why I had such a connection in Seattle this time. Just me. The elements.......and of course a friend that actually LISTENED to me.

I know I talk a lot.

I mean a LOT...

...but you know I really am a good listener too. People might actually find that out if they put down their damn devices and talked every now and again... I am capable of having really deep conversations... try me.......


So..........

That's pretty much all that is going on in my head... at least one tiny piece of it... the other pieces are in too many languages...

I just hope for some balance soon... you can only be off balance for so long before you tip over!!!

"The earth is the mother of all people, and all people should have equal rights upon it. You might as well expect all rivers to run backwards as that any man who was born a free man should be contented penned up and denied liberty to go where he pleases." ~Hinmatóowyalahtq'it/ Chief Joseph (1840-1904)

Life's Cockroaches

So I am not going to start out like I always do: "It has been so long since I posted, blah - blah - blah - insert reason here... blah- blah- blah - funny quote."

Please notice by saying that I am not going to say it... I still said it... the only difference is - I have no reason... nor funny quote. I am failing.

I am trying to think of what has happened, not happened, going to happen and every possible verbal variation of "happening" in my life lately. So much. Too much. Not enough. Rarely enough. Sometimes an overwhelming enough. So basically life has been... well...... life.

I decided to make a major change in my "studies" and switch up my area of focus from Sociolinguistics to Culinary Arts/ Baking& Pastry. Siiiiiiimilar......but different.  (not really)

I had a cancer "scare" and it more or less made me put my life into perspective. I became REALLY philosophical (yes, even my crazy ass has a very deep sensitive side believe it or not).

It is incredible how quickly your mind kills you off when you hear that you are being checked for lymphatic cancer. I went from crazy to cremated in a matter of seconds!

Thank Buddha, God, Ganesha and Allah nem that all the tests came back negative. Of course in the process I gave so many vials of blood that I am determined that they were trying to clone me.

Also since my last post (I am pretty sure) I have lost about 30 pounds. I feel great...

So let's just say there have been a lot of changes. But change is good right? And just as the Hopi say: TA AA HOTA - the more things change, the more they stay the same.  That is kinda what I want to focus on during this post.

I have learned (or at least I think I have) that as we age... we change so much, yet so much of us stays the same. We are so filled with these desires and dreams as we are children... then we get older and other people treat our dreams like little cockroaches and stomp all over them... and do not even have the decency to pick up the crushed gooey carcasses off your brand new expensive carpet.

Why do they do this?

I think I have the answer...

Well... I have a couple theories.

1- they are just assholes... let's face it... they exist.
2- they are just so insecure with themselves that they do not like to see someone else have the drive to push themselves to get to where they want to be.

Let's face it - we are products of evolution. The survival of the fittest. The ones that make it survive and the ones that don't are stuck miserable hating life. The only problem that I have with this is the fact that everyone's idea of "making it" is not the same.

What is good for the goose - AIN'T (yes, I actually used that word) always good for the gander. We as humans tend to judge people based off of OUR feelings, OUR experiences, and OUR desires. Even though I have a tendency to sometimes do this (hey... even I am not perfect) I feel this is wrong.

I hate to use the cliché, "never judge someone until you have walked in their shoes," but it is true. It is very easy for us to say, "I would do this differently, I would say this differently, I would - I would - I would." Well - there are other people that would do, say and be different than you. That is what makes us so unique as humans... but also SO stupid!

Now I am not saying that I just accept every situation as ... well that's there life... move one with my own. I think that this, also, is wrong. Sometimes people are in situations because they have no other choice. And though I believe that we are all in the "situations" we are in based off of our own choices... it does not mean that we necessarily have a desire to 'stay' in them, and perhaps we want to change.

Change. A word that most people tend to shy away from. I think this is why so many adults are so miserable. They think of themselves as one way- and refuse to actually try something else out. This can be any situation... food, travel, people, life. People always say 'life is too short,' but I disagree. We are now living 80, 90, 100 years. Life is LONG. It is only short when we get to an age and think, "SHIT!! I shoulda, coulda, woulda." Do you want to live 80... hell... 50 years miserable? I know this is a loaded question because there are so many people that swear their life is completely fulfilling, but spend most of their days in judgement of others. This is no way to live. Well... at least not for me. But then again, it is usually these people that are saying to me, "you dream too much, you're all over the place, why do you do all of this stuff, you have done so much - but why."

We spend so much of our lives sleeping - it would be stupid to have ONE dream every time we slept... why have only one dream when we are awake?

I want to (as my mother says) "wear out, not rust out."

For some, they are comfortable being in the same place doing the same thing day in and day out for the rest of their lives. This is great. For them. I think the only time it becomes a problem is when they start pointing fingers. When they tell other people that what they are doing is wrong; what they are doing is a sin; they need to settle down and 'live right.'

People who are quick to point fingers are often slow to look at their own reflection.

Just because I want to do everything possible in the world, doesn't mean that this is right for everyone else, but don't fault me because I want to do it. There are very few things that I would not try.... although giving birth, even if it was possible - I'd pass! Actually - anything circling around being a female I would pass - NOT saying there is anything wrong with those that either ARE a female, or want to be a female... I am just saying - that's too much work....

Side note:  Females go through WAY to much shit. Being that I spent a lot of time around females (no I am not a player or a pimp (at least as a day job)... I just was raised by a single mother and an older sister... plus my best friend is female. Let's just say I see the crap they go through. Mental and physical crap aside, just their everyday routine. 

I would be one UGLY woman because I know what some woman go through to achieve what she considers 'presentable' to the world:
Get up early; Shower with 342 different types of products: body wash, face scrub, foot scrub, body oil, pre-shampoo, shampoo, post shampoo, wet conditioner; wash; rinse; repeat; shave legs without cutting up your knees; shave pits without slicing arteries; shave *shut yo mouth* and pray you don't nick anything because lawd knows how much you bleed in that area; dry off body; wrap hair in towel; put on regular lotion; put on scented lotion; put on deodorant; pluck eyebrows; (possibly pluck and/or bleach mustache); dry hair with towel; dry hair with blow dryer; put in leave in condition; brush hair; scrunch in mousse; brush hair; apply gel; finish off hair with fingers; spray on hair spray; apply concealer; apply liquid foundation; pat on powder foundation; put on lipstick; put on that eyelash stuff; paint yo eyelids; reapply powder; spray on perfume; put on more lotion (I am sure I would be a really ashy woman); brush your teeth; floss; gargle; rinse; spit (mind out of the gutter folks); check makeup in the mirror; put on drawz; find a bra that matches drawz; put on clothes; take off clothes; put on a different outfit; realize your undergarments don't match outfit; take off clothes again; change undergarments to match makeup and outfit; check mirror; touch up make up; reapply hair spray; cuss because you forgot you had a meeting at work; take off clothes; put on a more 'professional' look with pantyhose; touchup hair and makeup.............and this is all before 6 a.m!

I mean... I am a morning person and all.... but.... SHIT... this is TOO damn much shit to remember to do. I think straight men should really appreciate all the shit that females do... just to "look good"... I'm not even going to start on all the other shit that they do/put up with throughout the day.
I'm tired just thinking about it. In fact... I need to take a nap, and all I have done was think about it. I am too lazy to even type all the shit that females go through on a daily bases.... and yet some men complain because they are asked to take out the trash in the morning-  unshaven lookin' as hairy as a wooly mammoth in the winter wearing a mink coat, hair unbrushed, teeth unbrushed, in drawz they haven't changed in probably 3 days- AFTER they have had coffee and breakfast..... WAKE UP PEOPLE!! 

OK- back to our regular blabbing...

Where was I? Oh... yea.... life. 

I just find it funny that I like to do everything presented to me in life, and some people feel the need to bring it up in a derogatory manner - like it is a bad thing that I know how to do all the crap I do. Sometimes I like to do things simply to appreciate things more. Has anyone ever thought about that? 

Our society takes so much for granted that we do not even take the time out to think about how we get things- or even how far our society has come.

The other day I made mustard... why? Because I had a bunch of mustard in my garden that went to seed and I thought... hmm.... mustard seed equals good spicy mustard... I've never made mustard... I wonder what people used to do when they couldn't just go to the store and get it.... So I made it.

Let's just say I have a GREAT appreciation for our society before the days when everything was a convenience.

I think sometimes you have to make yourself walk through mud a few times so that you get a better appreciation for the sidewalks. We do not realize how great we have it.

Someone who is alone all the time appreciates the company of a friend more than someone who has never spent a day without someone by their side.

Life is a matter of balance. Whether we like it or not... even the 'bad' is a 'good' thing. Without the dark, we do not know the concept of light. I am not saying that I think that it is ok that people are 'bad' because it makes other people look good. I am just saying that the variations we see in life are what makes it so interesting. We have the freedom to choose how we want to be, where we want to go, who we want to be around (unless you are incarcerated and then you have no choice who you are around... but then again...karma possibly brought you there... so I guess you kinda did chose it...) It is these choices that lead our society to cycle of change.

As our society changes... TA AA HOTA... I still believe that people in the deepest portion of their being (and trust me sometimes you have to go REAL deep) are genuinely good. The things that corrupts them is when they try to live under other people's standards.

The more different a person is to me... the more I want to learn about them. What makes them - THEM?

Everyone has a story... the problem is, most people are way too caught up in their own life to even acknowledge that another person's story is just as beautiful and epic as theirs.  I do not want to be one of these people. As much as people work my nerve (how they work my nerves sometimes) I really do enjoy getting to know people's story.

So those of you who are reading this they get upset with me because I am 'kind' to people that YOU have issues with... those are YOUR issues that you need to work out with the people. I try to devote my life to being compassionate to all - even those that I do not like - so I suggest maybe you try that.

I have always said hating another person is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It does you more harm than good.

Have I changed?

Yes.

Am I ashamed of it?

Not one bit - because the core value of who I am still remains the same.

I admit though that even though I am trying to be a 'better' person - I still struggle with a lot of emotions. I guess that's what makes me human... or at least a pisces. Damn emotions!

I just want to be a good person.

It is funny because even though my medical testings came back negative- it really made me realize is that all our life really is - is just a preparation for our death. So I think that our death is really a reflection of how we live our life. If we have a fulfilling life... then death will be a fulfilling event. When we go, we will go in peace, and hopefully our next life (for those of us that believe in reincarnation) will be just as peaceful. And for those who do not believe in reincarnation - that when they go to heaven (for my Western-thought oriented friends) that they can do so with their loved ones saying, "wow what a great life they lived," and hopefully not - "THANK GOD THAT OLD BAG IS DEAD!"

I want to know that when my time comes to complete this life that those final moments when I am doing an ESPN-style replay that there are more great plays than fouls. I want to know that I was playing hardcore and not just sitting on the sidelines. I want to know that I was a good coach, a great teacher, and an even better student. I want people to be sad that I am gone, but more thankful of the times I was in their lives. I want to know that I loved more than I hated, and that even those that hated me - deep down in hated me because they loved me. Most of all I want people to know that I have never been afraid of death, only afraid to not live and that is why I have made it a point to go everywhere, try everything (even if it scared me), meet everyone, speak every language, eat every food, take in every breath, and try (I strongly use this verb here) to reject every conflict.

Wow... this post turned macabre!

Well... I guess I just needed to get that off my chest because I have noticed lately - since I haven't been working - that a lot of people have been coming at me with the attitude that I am not living life right because I do not have the same routine every since day. That is not my life. I have lived that style of life before and it made me really miserable. I am not saying that its a bad thing... it's just bad for me.

So those of you that want a routine same-ole-same-ole style of life. I love that for you - as I am sure a lot of stalkers do too because it is easy to predict what (or who in some cases) you are doing - when- and where!

Just be compassionate people.

Be forgiving.

Be loving.

LIVE!!!

"Your daily life is your temple and your religion. When you enter into it, take with you your all! ~ Khalil Gibran (1883-1931)"

From Shite to Might!

ok- so this is not going to be about China... apparently I am not going to finish that story... let's just say this: China was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I met some of the most amazing people, a few "interesting"(that is being nice) as well as saw some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I miss it. In fact I think about it all the time... why did I come home?

This is going to be a venting post. The sad thing about living where I do is the fact that I do not have many friends here. The couple I do have are great, but they are not always around, or I do not want to bother them with the "woes of my world." So instead... I blog. Here I can write to my hearts content... either people read it, or they can mentally tell me to shut the fuck up and close the page... no harm no foul. I have been very stressed... yes, even I get stressed.

I am halfway through my semester at the University of Pennsylvania. Hard to believe that I made it into an Ivy League institute... well to study and not to be studied. That in itself has played a large toll on me. It is sad that you go through this crazy process to get in... you wait forever... you give up... then suddenly you are in. WOW!! "I feel smart" then you go to orientation and they tell you how you are among the smartest people in the US so chances are you are not the brightest... Gee... thanks... you just sunk my battleship.... assholes!

Then we have the age thing... let's not get me started on that. Do not get my wrong... UPenn is an incredible educational facility, but I feel so out of place there. I just turned 34 (happy birthday to me) on the 27th and am the oldest on in most of my classes. The people in my "major" classes are pretty stuck up... leave it to me to pick a major that is full of self-centereed and self-righteous pricks. The professors are so caught up in their own "praises" that (with exception of one) they fail to see that there are students that have great interest in the subject being taught. I can only shake my head... I have until next fall until I am finished. I am debating whether or not I am going to pursue my PhD... I don't know if my nerves have it...

My day begins early... I get up, make my lunch, drink my coffee; I drive anywhere from 35 minutes to 1 hour 45 minutes to get to a train station where I then sit for another hour to get into the city; I walk a mile in the elements (yes I know I am sounding like our parents telling the "uphill both ways in the snow barefoot" story) to get to a classroom that is PACKED like sardines with desks.

If I miss the train... I miss the class.

Then after my first class I sit for almost 3 hours and try to study and read before my next class... After those classes I get to rush back to the train in order to catch one to get home at a decent time so that I can do any homework, research... oh... and don't forget I have to sometimes do laundry when it gets piled up... and there are floors to do (although I have slacked in that lately because I am just too fucking tired to think, let alone mop and scrub floors). Then I work out- eat dinner and go to bed.

Yea- no social life.... and the few bits that I do have are amazing when it happens, though I feel like I act like a crackhead getting a fix because I so crave social interaction with people (that is not with people half my age and twice as smart as me in school) that they probably wonder why I am so happy the entire visit...

Then there are people in my life (you know that I never name names in this blog) who truly drive me absolutely crazy.  CRAY TO DA MUHHH-FUCKIN CRAY!! I have decided that there is a VERY fine line to love and hate. I am beginning to believe that you do not truly love someone unless you hate them at the same time. I just wish there were times when my heart didn't block my tongue from what it wants to say. I TRY to live a compassionate life and be compassionate to all those in my life... but there is sometimes when I just want to say exactly what I am thinking and feeling... but I cannot.

My upbringing is so thick inside my blood that I cannot disrespect people who I am "supposed" to respect. Stupid-ass Southern Chivalry!! I am going to vent without saying to much... let's see if I can do it!

I am a firm believer that life is all about choices... (it is funny because the more I think about it the more hypocritical I sound). Sometimes things come up, and someone offers you a rope...you decide that you will refuse the rope because at the time because it is not convenient for YOU... but then expect that the rope should be thrown to them when THEY want it... NO NO NO- it doesn't work that way!

I am tired of helping (in all senses of the matter) and it being taken for granted. I don't give two cockroach shits about how small the deed is... If someone is doing something for you, the least your ungrateful ass can be is thankful.

We live in a society of ME... ME... ME... and then there is occasionally room for someone else... typically that is I. I am not saying that I am not guilty of it, however, I do notice that I seem to be more on the side of giving than receiving when it comes to appreciation.

There are very few people that I talk to on a daily basis (big surprise I know)... and of this handful of people very few of them actually have a conversation with me. They tell me about them... them... and them... what is going on in THEIR life... who THEY are dealing with... who is annoying THEM... what THEY are planning.... why THEY are stressed.

You know what... I don't give an ice-cube's dick in a hell-fire vagina about your problems anymore. The see-saw has tilted. You win... Talk all you want, but you know what... I...DON'T...CARE! When you cannot tell me anything about my present life... and I talk to you pretty much everyday... Why should I care.

You don't have the common courtesy to say 3 simple words: HOW ARE YOU? You know what... you don't even have to care... I mean you are showing you don't by not asking me... but you know what... at least ACT like you care.

You cannot hack at a tree forever and not expect it to never fall.

I am about to fall, and I PROMISE you when this tree decides to fall... I am not going to go quietly in the forrest... I am going to fall with so much noise, that I not only fuck up your house... but I take out everything else around it.

What you do not realize is though me... the tree... seems insignificant in your life... I have a lot of branches. I AM a shit load stronger than you take me for. And though manure is fertilizer for plants... this tree doe not need anymore shit.

Here is the difference between me - the tree- that you keep hacking and you the person hitting me with this axe of insensitivity:

I AM ABOVE YOU!

Please note that while you are so busy hitting me with your axe that you are the one that is destroying your support system.

I provide you shade when it is sunny, and wood for warmth when you are cold.

Best of all... I have a clear site of the sky. I can dream. You are too busy worried about the going-ons of YOUR life, that you fail to realize that you can chop me down... but as soon as you chop me down, other people see that I still have many more uses.

I am nice to a fault.

I listen to the troubles of your life. How others "do not understand" you. How all your friends are negative and you can't deal with them.

Let's think about the common denominator....  you are always thinking about yourself... so you shouldn't have too hard of a time doing that...

You spend so much time bitching about the dirt on someone's porch that you fail to realize that your porch has now overflowed and you have a dirt driveway now.

NO ONE IS PERFECT... INCLUDING YOU!!!!

You want things to be better... then you are going to have to make some changes.

Period.

YOU.

I can only give so much... and right now I need to be selfish...

And by selfish I do not mean that I am only going to be thinking of myself... I simply mean that I need to deal with things in my life that I want to deal with.

I refuse to put my life on hold so that you can get on with yours.

I have nothing but love for you, but dammit when I go to that big booty-hop club in the sky, I want them to say that it was ME that died... How can someone die if they have not lived a life because they were so busy or scared to live theirs because it may disturb or upset someone else's life?

You need to stop and realize: I cannot live your life anymore than you can live mine...

I want to help you, but you have to want to help yourself. You have to realize that I am not saying these things to degrade you... I want to help, but you have to want the help... and right now you want things to be your way, on your terms and your timing.

In the words of Sweet Brown.... AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!!!

One day all of these people that take me for granted are going to wake up an need me and I am not going to be there... meanwhile that select handful that do not take me for granted will have known what was going on the entire time because they listened...

It PAINS me to see you this way, but you know what... like I said... it is all about choices.

Yes, I have chosen to allow this to go on for quite some time... but I am making the choice to change that today.

It hurts.

Bad.

I want you to be a part of my life... but you are keeping me apart.

....come on...

I'm a linguist...you know I was going to have to put some witty linguistic fun in here... it was getting to serious even for me!!

I realize that you and crazy are as inseparable as brick and mortar... but dammit at least put some paint over it so it is more approachable!

For those of you that are asking... is this me?

To quote my favourite movie.... "Could be.... could be not."

If you feel that you can be the "axer" to anyone in your life... now is the time to change it.

Remember...

IT IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES!!!

Just realize it before the tree falls.

I will always be there for those that appreciate me and do not take me for granted. But for those that do not... I am no longer going to let it happen.

No ma'am...

No sir...

Not in [1000x2]+[(7x2)-1]!!

:::sigh:::

OK....

I feel much better now. I have realized it is better to let it all out and move on. I try to tell someone else in my life (who shall remain nameless) that they need to do that. They are so caught up in the past that they are failing to see the future.

I wanna shake 'em and be like... do you realize that you are like a stopped up toilet.... all that shit is just sitting there... and it's stankin' up the room.... FLUSH AND MOVE ON....

That is what I am doing...

FLUSHIN' THE SHIT!!!

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~ Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)