From Shite to Might!

ok- so this is not going to be about China... apparently I am not going to finish that story... let's just say this: China was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I met some of the most amazing people, a few "interesting"(that is being nice) as well as saw some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I miss it. In fact I think about it all the time... why did I come home?

This is going to be a venting post. The sad thing about living where I do is the fact that I do not have many friends here. The couple I do have are great, but they are not always around, or I do not want to bother them with the "woes of my world." So instead... I blog. Here I can write to my hearts content... either people read it, or they can mentally tell me to shut the fuck up and close the page... no harm no foul. I have been very stressed... yes, even I get stressed.

I am halfway through my semester at the University of Pennsylvania. Hard to believe that I made it into an Ivy League institute... well to study and not to be studied. That in itself has played a large toll on me. It is sad that you go through this crazy process to get in... you wait forever... you give up... then suddenly you are in. WOW!! "I feel smart" then you go to orientation and they tell you how you are among the smartest people in the US so chances are you are not the brightest... Gee... thanks... you just sunk my battleship.... assholes!

Then we have the age thing... let's not get me started on that. Do not get my wrong... UPenn is an incredible educational facility, but I feel so out of place there. I just turned 34 (happy birthday to me) on the 27th and am the oldest on in most of my classes. The people in my "major" classes are pretty stuck up... leave it to me to pick a major that is full of self-centereed and self-righteous pricks. The professors are so caught up in their own "praises" that (with exception of one) they fail to see that there are students that have great interest in the subject being taught. I can only shake my head... I have until next fall until I am finished. I am debating whether or not I am going to pursue my PhD... I don't know if my nerves have it...

My day begins early... I get up, make my lunch, drink my coffee; I drive anywhere from 35 minutes to 1 hour 45 minutes to get to a train station where I then sit for another hour to get into the city; I walk a mile in the elements (yes I know I am sounding like our parents telling the "uphill both ways in the snow barefoot" story) to get to a classroom that is PACKED like sardines with desks.

If I miss the train... I miss the class.

Then after my first class I sit for almost 3 hours and try to study and read before my next class... After those classes I get to rush back to the train in order to catch one to get home at a decent time so that I can do any homework, research... oh... and don't forget I have to sometimes do laundry when it gets piled up... and there are floors to do (although I have slacked in that lately because I am just too fucking tired to think, let alone mop and scrub floors). Then I work out- eat dinner and go to bed.

Yea- no social life.... and the few bits that I do have are amazing when it happens, though I feel like I act like a crackhead getting a fix because I so crave social interaction with people (that is not with people half my age and twice as smart as me in school) that they probably wonder why I am so happy the entire visit...

Then there are people in my life (you know that I never name names in this blog) who truly drive me absolutely crazy.  CRAY TO DA MUHHH-FUCKIN CRAY!! I have decided that there is a VERY fine line to love and hate. I am beginning to believe that you do not truly love someone unless you hate them at the same time. I just wish there were times when my heart didn't block my tongue from what it wants to say. I TRY to live a compassionate life and be compassionate to all those in my life... but there is sometimes when I just want to say exactly what I am thinking and feeling... but I cannot.

My upbringing is so thick inside my blood that I cannot disrespect people who I am "supposed" to respect. Stupid-ass Southern Chivalry!! I am going to vent without saying to much... let's see if I can do it!

I am a firm believer that life is all about choices... (it is funny because the more I think about it the more hypocritical I sound). Sometimes things come up, and someone offers you a rope...you decide that you will refuse the rope because at the time because it is not convenient for YOU... but then expect that the rope should be thrown to them when THEY want it... NO NO NO- it doesn't work that way!

I am tired of helping (in all senses of the matter) and it being taken for granted. I don't give two cockroach shits about how small the deed is... If someone is doing something for you, the least your ungrateful ass can be is thankful.

We live in a society of ME... ME... ME... and then there is occasionally room for someone else... typically that is I. I am not saying that I am not guilty of it, however, I do notice that I seem to be more on the side of giving than receiving when it comes to appreciation.

There are very few people that I talk to on a daily basis (big surprise I know)... and of this handful of people very few of them actually have a conversation with me. They tell me about them... them... and them... what is going on in THEIR life... who THEY are dealing with... who is annoying THEM... what THEY are planning.... why THEY are stressed.

You know what... I don't give an ice-cube's dick in a hell-fire vagina about your problems anymore. The see-saw has tilted. You win... Talk all you want, but you know what... I...DON'T...CARE! When you cannot tell me anything about my present life... and I talk to you pretty much everyday... Why should I care.

You don't have the common courtesy to say 3 simple words: HOW ARE YOU? You know what... you don't even have to care... I mean you are showing you don't by not asking me... but you know what... at least ACT like you care.

You cannot hack at a tree forever and not expect it to never fall.

I am about to fall, and I PROMISE you when this tree decides to fall... I am not going to go quietly in the forrest... I am going to fall with so much noise, that I not only fuck up your house... but I take out everything else around it.

What you do not realize is though me... the tree... seems insignificant in your life... I have a lot of branches. I AM a shit load stronger than you take me for. And though manure is fertilizer for plants... this tree doe not need anymore shit.

Here is the difference between me - the tree- that you keep hacking and you the person hitting me with this axe of insensitivity:

I AM ABOVE YOU!

Please note that while you are so busy hitting me with your axe that you are the one that is destroying your support system.

I provide you shade when it is sunny, and wood for warmth when you are cold.

Best of all... I have a clear site of the sky. I can dream. You are too busy worried about the going-ons of YOUR life, that you fail to realize that you can chop me down... but as soon as you chop me down, other people see that I still have many more uses.

I am nice to a fault.

I listen to the troubles of your life. How others "do not understand" you. How all your friends are negative and you can't deal with them.

Let's think about the common denominator....  you are always thinking about yourself... so you shouldn't have too hard of a time doing that...

You spend so much time bitching about the dirt on someone's porch that you fail to realize that your porch has now overflowed and you have a dirt driveway now.

NO ONE IS PERFECT... INCLUDING YOU!!!!

You want things to be better... then you are going to have to make some changes.

Period.

YOU.

I can only give so much... and right now I need to be selfish...

And by selfish I do not mean that I am only going to be thinking of myself... I simply mean that I need to deal with things in my life that I want to deal with.

I refuse to put my life on hold so that you can get on with yours.

I have nothing but love for you, but dammit when I go to that big booty-hop club in the sky, I want them to say that it was ME that died... How can someone die if they have not lived a life because they were so busy or scared to live theirs because it may disturb or upset someone else's life?

You need to stop and realize: I cannot live your life anymore than you can live mine...

I want to help you, but you have to want to help yourself. You have to realize that I am not saying these things to degrade you... I want to help, but you have to want the help... and right now you want things to be your way, on your terms and your timing.

In the words of Sweet Brown.... AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!!!

One day all of these people that take me for granted are going to wake up an need me and I am not going to be there... meanwhile that select handful that do not take me for granted will have known what was going on the entire time because they listened...

It PAINS me to see you this way, but you know what... like I said... it is all about choices.

Yes, I have chosen to allow this to go on for quite some time... but I am making the choice to change that today.

It hurts.

Bad.

I want you to be a part of my life... but you are keeping me apart.

....come on...

I'm a linguist...you know I was going to have to put some witty linguistic fun in here... it was getting to serious even for me!!

I realize that you and crazy are as inseparable as brick and mortar... but dammit at least put some paint over it so it is more approachable!

For those of you that are asking... is this me?

To quote my favourite movie.... "Could be.... could be not."

If you feel that you can be the "axer" to anyone in your life... now is the time to change it.

Remember...

IT IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES!!!

Just realize it before the tree falls.

I will always be there for those that appreciate me and do not take me for granted. But for those that do not... I am no longer going to let it happen.

No ma'am...

No sir...

Not in [1000x2]+[(7x2)-1]!!

:::sigh:::

OK....

I feel much better now. I have realized it is better to let it all out and move on. I try to tell someone else in my life (who shall remain nameless) that they need to do that. They are so caught up in the past that they are failing to see the future.

I wanna shake 'em and be like... do you realize that you are like a stopped up toilet.... all that shit is just sitting there... and it's stankin' up the room.... FLUSH AND MOVE ON....

That is what I am doing...

FLUSHIN' THE SHIT!!!

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~ Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)