Ida-sick-ho... a false first impression

At first glance of the itinerary, I thought to myself… “oh great” in that sarcastic tone where if you could translate it, it would say “I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a splintered bamboo shank that was soaking in salty rubbing alcohol”.

First impressions are often false.

Our first leg of this adventure wasn't much of an adventure. A commercial flight on one of my least favourite airline; I like to refer to it simply as “Air-Trash”.

This flight probably should have told me how the trip was going to turn out.

Great flight attendants, very friendly and tentative.

Professional, with just enough ghetto to make them real!

We landed in Baltimore, it is 26 degrees Fahrenheit (-2 C for my metric friends). This is the one trip –for some reason- I decided to go ahead and pack my overcoat. I really don’t think I needed to, but had I have not packed it, it would have been negative 3,000 degrees.

We all bundle up, and go out to wait for our shuttle to our hotel. Hurry up and wait, you know the game! We have to rush out there, because the shuttle might be there, but you always miss it, so you end up having to wait anyways!

The joys of traveling!

We get to our hotel, which is a different hotel than we usually stay in while we are in Baltimore. It is nice however.

We get in fairly early, so we all decide to meet up around 5 and go get dinner, and call it an early night. Considering that we had a very early show time the following morning, it was a smart move in theory, in reality however, it wasn't.

I get back to the hotel after eating at Chili’s (the closest thing unfortunately- I prefer mom and pop places, and hole in the wall establishments that you have no question why you go there- but they always have the best food)

I was unable to sleep most of the night. But, I finally fall asleep.

For a few minutes at least.

I (since I am a light sleeper) hear a fire alarm going off. I look out the window (I have no clue why a fire alarm prompts me to look out the window) and sure enough the little “this building is the one on fire” light is blinking.

I never have understood those lights. You see them on large buildings, they go off if there is a fire alarm. I mean… really? Think about it. You think the fire department really needs the light to tell them?

“Which building is it?”…. “uh, I don’t know- do you think its that one with smoke bellowing out of it”…. “but there’s no light blinking…” …”oh yea, you’re right, I guess since there is no light blinking, we can go back to the station…”

Anyways- I don’t know if I am more disturbed that the fire alarm woke me, or if the fact that the fire alarm on the THIRD floor was going off, but, it did not set off the other floors.

Maybe its me, but if I’m on the 6^th floor, and the floor 3 floors under me is on fire… LET A BROTHER KNOW!! Don’t tell me- “its ok- its not your floor”… riiiiiiiiight!

So I barely got any sleep that night.

Our next leg of the trip brings us to Boise, Idaho.

Who da ho?

You da ho?

NO- IDAHO….

Very well, suit yourself… you ho!

So this was the “oh great” comment at the beginning.

43 hours in Boise.

What the hell am I going to do with 43 hours in Boise.

We land.

I get off the plane.

So far so good. Nice brisk weather. Beautiful backdrop of snow capped mountains.

A stereo-typical “corn-fed” good ole boy picks us up. (complete with overalls)

Drives us to our hotel.

The Safari Inn.

I know- my job likes to keep it ‘classy’.

Although I do have to say, any place that has fresh baked cookies when you check in, is alright by me!

The people are very friendly, and the rooms- well at least mine, are alright.

My one friend’s room for some reason smelled like either 1- the town cat-lady stayed there, and left her clothes in there for a week. 2- the town cat-lady brought her cats there with no litter box or 3- my friend really is the cat-lady and she’s trying to blame the smell on the guest before her.

It is BAD.

We decide that later that evening we were going to meet up and go have dinner.

My friend and I had walked around the town real quickly- she wanted to get a manicure.

A little side note slightly related to future events in this blog:

Said friend here and I had been craving Pho soup for the longest time. The other day we met up back in North Miami Beach to go try this place I found out about that was supposed to be decent. I pick her up, we drive to the location. It looks empty. This could be a sign of crap food, or simply that they were closed. Well, in spite of what the sign on the window said, and the hours that were on the window… they were indeed closed. Slightly confused by this, I called the place (because we saw a small Asian lady walking around the restaurant with her apron on). I don’t know, maybe they just simply forgot to unlock it, and they are wondering “why no custa-mah?” I call…the lady picks up. “Hello, are y’all opening today”… “ahhhh yea, ahhh, we maybe open at 1”….”wait, did you just say you MAY open up”…. “yea, so come by at 1 and maybe I open”…. “wait, I just want to be sure I understood you correctly (I was hungry after all, so I might have been hallucinating) you said you want me to drive all the way back here, and you may still be closed”…. “yeah, I maybe open up at 1”. Needless to say, I don’t do “maybes” when it comes to Asian establishment. “This MAYBE chicken, and it MAY not be”

Back to my regular blabbling

So while looking for the nail place for her (which we finally found, and she set up an appointment for the following day which she completely blew off), we saw a Pho place called “Pho Noveau”.

It looked like a nice little establishment, Kinda trendy, clean, and the menu was decently priced.

It was cold, we had been craving Pho, and we knew we were going to meet up later for something to eat, and no one had been here before, so I was going to plant the seed that this was the place we needed to go.

Luckily, the people were receptive to is, and this was going to be where we ate dinner.

Our server I believe was one of the most beautiful ladies I have seen on Earth.

Have you ever just looked at someone and loved them, and hated them at the same time. You wanted to slap them for being so perfect, then hug them because they were so beautiful.

Well this was her- AND she was extremely sweet as well!

I got my soup- and as expected, it was off the chopstick!! (off the chain is a little too cliché for this comment- just go with me on this one will ya?)

Afterward dinner we come back to the hotel, chill out a little bit, and then we go out to a local club/bar/disco- whatever you want to call it. They were doing a burlesque show. It was… well… I had a good time. It wasn't “great”- but, it was indeed entertaining none the less!

Now I have been fighting off the flu for a couple days. Well- apparently after I got back from going out- I crashed.

While I was sleeping, the flu picked the lock of my hotel, or came in through the lovely window unit that smells like plastic burning every time I turn on the heat.

When I woke up….no voice.

None.

Zip.

Zero.

Nada!

Ain’t dat bout a bitch!!

Me- no voice. That combination is like oil and water, the 2 of them just don’t mix.

I talk.

That’s what I do.

Some people hum, some people smoke, some people knit…

I talk.

So needless to say, I knew that the day was going to be interesting.

Once again, Theraflu has become my ‘drink of choice’.

I go down and have a couple mini-muffins. A glass of O.J. (the juice, not Simpson- that’s just a nasty thought)

I get a call from my friend.

“Do you have any Theraflu?”

Great, I got her sick.

That’s the problem with hanging out with someone too much- not only do they get all kinda things to blackmail you for. You get each other sick.

I come up- make her some Theraflu (because that’s what kind of friend I am)

I nap some.

I don’t like sitting in the hotel.

So when I wake up- I am ready to just go out and walk about. Not a walkabout like the Aboriginal tribes do… just a walk about the city like the crazy multi-grain cracker that I am!

Let me say it again- first impressions are often false.

What do you think of when you think about Boise, Idaho.

That its about as exciting as what the state is known for right?

Potatoes.

Plain.

White.

No taste Potato.

Well, you (like I was) couldn't be more wrong.

What I found –to my surprise- was a very clean, multi-cultured, exciting city.

The people in this town are extremely friendly. The place is VERY clean- not once did I step in gum, or dog crap.

Ironically though, I did step in potato.

There is practically every type of ethnic food available to you.

Wine shops, clothing shops, bars, coffee shops, specialty shops, smoke shops, book stores, restaurants.

Some of them are in older buildings with little ‘stories’ about the building on the side.

Some of them are in little strip malls. Some with strippers working in the mall...

No one begging for money or food.

A genuine city.

After speaking with the server from the Pho place on day 2, (now you see what I call it crack soup- it is that addicting) She said that Boise is a very friendly place, that it is more like living in a little small town.

I like that!

I walked around. Took some pictures.

Saw the Capitol – from the outside.

Not as pretty as Austin’s capitol building- but then again, I’m a little partial to that city, so that’s not a fair comparison.

Back to the room- Theraflu was calling.

By now I have a little more of a voice.

Still scratchy and pretty deep.

Much like the 2 mothers (my mom, and my best friends mom) voices when they first wake up in the morning and have their cigarette.

“Good Mo-nin babies, y’all want some eggs, some grits some bacon and skauskage?”

I hear a knock on my door.

One of the ladies I am flying with, has a bag with food in it.

This is only my second time traveling with her.

The first time was about 2 years back, and it wasn’t a very good first impression.

I was still new, and I thought she was a little harsh.

Once again…. First impressions- sometimes false.

In my 2 years of doing this, and the several times I have been sick on the road- NO ONE has ever done that for me.

Boy did I feel like an ass about saying that I didn’t particularly care for her when I first saw her name on the itinerary.

What a jerk, I know!

So I am on day who knows what of this 9 day adventure.

Last night we get into Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

It is COLD.

I don’t mean cold like- “oh, give me my jacket”.

I mean cold like, please start the fire, I am getting in.

The problem with this is, I am still sick. I am freezing, yet at the same time-burning up. I don’t mean “I am hot” in the conceited way, I literally mean I am hot.

Much like the menopausal women that I often travel with- in the middle of the aisle suddenly knock a passenger out of the way, steal their safety information card out of the seatback pocket, and start fanning themselves. That is how I feel.

Except I’m not going through menopause. At least I hope...

This town is (to use an old term) WHACK!

I asked the lady with bleach blonde hair behind the front desk where I could get some drugs. I guess she took me literally, because the walking directions she gave me were completely not towards the K-Mart that I eventually found my way to, but towards the crack-houses and methlabs that Cedar Rapids I am sure is extremely proud of!

My travel partner/friend that is with me on the adventure came along. I mean I did get her sick too, so she might as well come get some drugs.

As we venture through snow and wind -like 2 Mongolian nomads on their way to a sacrifice of a virgin yak- I can’t help but laugh at the situation. We start doing fake chants, because we're stupid like that.

Here we are the 2 sickest of all the people, and we are out and about in 12 degree weather, lost, looking for drugs.

I turn around and notice my friend bent over, laughing.

She has snot from her nose, all the way down to the snow. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh, pee, or get my camera.

We stood there for about 4 minutes just laughing. I have no clue WHY it was funny, I just know that it was!

We eventually made it to K-Mart. Only on Saaaturdays, only on Saaturdays...

Apparently people here don’t think its that cold- because they were looking at us like we were freaks.

I mean, so what if my friend had on 2 jackets, a knit hat, an overcoat, and a wool scarf wrapped around her neck all the way up her face so that she looked like a member of al qaeda.

People were wearing polo shirts, a light jacket. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??

We get back to the hotel. We want food. Particularly soup.

Well, the restaurant said they didn't have soup... I guess our 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE SOUP' scared them into saying 'we'll heat some up'.

We should have just not had it... Cheeseburger Chowder... WTF? I end up pouring about 2 shots worth of Scotch into it to give it SOME flavour... even that didn't help.

By the time we get our bill, the waitress (with a piercing in her upper cheek) says in a voice that I THINK she was trying to be funny with "I better not get sick because of you two"...

Do you ever have one of those moments when you think something... and it just comes out...

Well, it happened.. "Um, thats the stupidest shit to say before you get your tip, I hope you know that"....The best part is the bartender hollered (yes I used the term hollered) "yea, thats kinda like wiping your butt before you poop"

She is what I refer to as ODH- One, Dumb, Ho!

The next portion of the trip, we fly to Phoenix.

I get to see my dad and step mom right? WRONG!

The one time I get a fairly long layover here, and can really use a good home cooked meal. My father and step mom are in Florida.

A few days have past since I have started this trip.

I have been writing as the days past, so I didn’t forget any fun facts.

I have noticed that when I am stressed, I tend to forget funny things a little easier, so I decided since I am stressed, I’ll write as I go.

Today hit me really hard.

In fact, as I write right now, I have this great big emptiness eating away at me. – no mom, its not gas!

The schedules for next month came out. I realized that this is it.

This is my last adventure. I am not able to travel and go to school full time.

I thought I would be lot more excited about this day. But its hard.

I mean its not “do I pull the plug on grandma” kinda hard- but it is difficult.

I guess its as mentioned to me earlier: “it’s like time goes by so quickly because you enjoy what you do… but before you realize it, you’re living in your jesus van parked in the parking lot of your job” …. So true.

I do not want to end up like Padlock, claiming I’m married to Jesus (because no one else wants my hand in marriage), and because I’m too high class to live in a dumpster, I’ll have to live in the backseat of Big Mama (no wonder I got the crew cab)… then because I make so little, I’ll have to get roommate to live “shot-gun”, well be cooking spam on the hood of my truck in the summer and bathing in the water that collects in the back during the Miami rainy season….. yeah… maybe it is a good idea I leave now.

I guess the reality of things really hit me today.

I know that my future is going to be amazing. What I am going to accomplish is going to be great- I can feel it in my bones….- I already told you mom… NO- its not gas!!!

Sometimes letting go of the present is hard. Even if you know that the future is even better.

I guess some people, when they are hungry just accept the bread that is handed to them. I’m the type of person, I am happy with the bread I have, but I want to learn not only how to bake it- but how I can put some peanut butter (Jif- because that’s what high maintenance choosy moms choose) and jelly (preferably the organic raspberry kind from Trader Joe’s in Tucson) on it. It seems only natural for me.

Today when we (my coworkers) all were sitting in the VIP section of the hotel, I got a little sad. OK- I got a lot sad. There was one moment, when I actually had to get up and walk away to “get more chips”. The inner “bitch” kicked up in me, and I got really overwhelmed with emotion that this was the last time I would probably see a lot of them. Even though they were not the "best friends" you keep, you enjoy the time you spend with them. The memories you have made with them.

I sometimes ask myself “are you sure about this”… over, and over!

I am.

I will not end up in a padlocked Jesus van- hating myself because I did not pursue my career- because I was “having fun”.

I really don’t like this grown-up attitude I have inherited with age.

It makes so much sense to just “be” and not worry about what “will be”.

I can’t do that though.

I go on these great trips sometimes, and I see the people who have been doing this for years and years and years.

I can easily do that as well.

But when I get old, are my awesome memories going to pay my retirement? Ok,well, knowing me, I’m going to be the one that goes to someone’s house and eats the potpourri sitting on their table thinking its ‘refreshments’ they host has put out for the guests... but I digress

I don’t know whether to be happy or sad. I guess that’s a good thing.

I guess nerves are put in your stomach to remind you that you’re still “living”.

Without adventure, there is no life. Isn’t that the motto I try to live by?

Yes, what I do now is adventure… but I have no challenge.

Yes, I get to go to some great places- but not because I want to go, because I HAVE to go. With my future, I will get to go to these places because I want to.

Besides, learning new languages, and studying full time will give me that challenge that I need in life. So what if I have to sell a piece of ass, or maybe a kidney to get by financially. Ok, maybe I do not have the J-lo type of ass to sell... but I still have 2 healthy kidneys!

I am not going to look at this as my “last adventure” rather the first step to a greater one.

I just hope I am able to have crazy crap happen to me so I am still able to write.

I mean damn, I finally am getting people that read my blog on a regular basis, so now I HAVE to deliver!!

I guess I will enjoy this final trip and take in as much as possible.

Like:

~The sounds of the Lezbanese couple next door to me that were very ‘religious’ through out the night.

~The fat man walking down the hall whistling Christmas carols off-key… at 1am… GO TO SLEEP, JUST CUZ YOU’RE FAT DON’T MAKE YOU SANTA!!

~The lady at Sports Authority today that put me in check and proved I wasn’t funny when she asked me if I needed help finding anything and I told her “sanity and peace of mind” and she looked at the lady standing across from her and said “I don’t know what that is, do you know where that is in the store”…. Um… “nevermind, I thought I was funny, but thanks to you today young lady, you have proven me wrong”…… damn slow ass honk !!

Just to name a few….

Ok- this off subject… but Target... Please get some Christmas radio commercials that aren’t creepy. That lady singing about whatever she is singing about (and not rhyming) is really creepy, and scares the hell out of me. I picture a rabid midget wonky-eyed elf singing it. Ahhrr, just gave me the heebie jeebies!

I keep going between laughing, and crying- well and the bathroom, I drank a lot of water today!

If only life came with an instruction guide, like IKEA…bunches of pictures… well, I guess they already have one of those, the Kama Sutra… but for some reason.. it just doesn’t have the same results as IKEA instructions, and people you meet in your life don’t always understand why you are asking them to do these things. “Um, I don’t think this is the traditional hand-shake… where did you say you came from again?”

~ sigh~

The unknown certainty of the future… It is what it is…… gas! And I guess like gas… it won’t feel better until you get it out of your system, otherwise you explode by not releasing it!

So hopefully my future will be much like my recent first impressions… maybe not the best, but they turn out amazing.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” ~ Seneca Proverb

Cuss words, Trash Soup, and a Shout-Out to the Future

I completely intended to write… or at least start this blog a couple days ago- but like most of the time, life just seemed to get in the way.

These last few weeks have been full of exciting events. Some of which I will write about- others I will not for certain reasons… mostly because my mother is finally able to get online- so I have to cut down the times I use the words- shit, damn, hell, fuck, ass, bitch, asshole, son-ova-bitch, and of course bastard..

Out of respect for my mother (who never uses profanity: ::::rolls eyes:::) I will now have to use words like “Poop”, “Wall used to block water”,” Hades”, “Fornicate”, “Gluteus Maximus”, “a dog that gives birth to offspring “(or simply put, a female dog), “Anus”, “The offspring of a woman who prefers to sell herself on the corner instead of the conventional mother”, and of course, for the last term.. I will simply input “myself”… because I am sure that is what my mother is saying in her head right now as she is reading this… “that lil bastard” At least for this blog!

Don’t worry; I will not censor myself anymore than usual. I am blessed to have a mother that I consider as much of a friend as anyone else of you that are reading…besides, if anyone of you have met her… you understand why I am the way I am. ( I know who’s getting a good cuss out the next time he calls his mother!)

So anyways, as announced in a previous blog, I have decided to give up my life of a jet-setter and decided to go back to school full time back in Orlando.

The last few weeks have been spent preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the transition.

I have laughed, cried, questioned my decision, confirmed my decision, had anxiety attacks, panic attacks, shark attacks (ok, not really, just being sure you’re still paying attention to me).

This is a dream I have always had. Ok- lets be honest… by “always” I mean once I got into the “real” world and realized that I really needed to finish my degree to really do what I want to do. And here I thought ‘paper’ was only important to weed-heads, and people sitting on the toilet and realize there is only an empty cardboard tube.

I studied… then studied some more. I took practice test after practice test, after practice test. I failed some, passed some, misread some, reread some, and ate one of them. (the last one was a test of a new recipe)

I applied to the schools I wanted to go to that had the subjects I wanted to study.

I studied some more.

I took another test.

I studied some more….

Let’s just say I had my nose in a book more than a cat with diarrhea is in his litter box!

I took my placement exams – because the ones they had on file had expired.

I did better than I thought in one subject, and worse than I thought in another. The best part is- its done and over with!

I then get an email from a Chinese School I applied to. I got accepted into the program!

By accepted I mean they said- “Sha’- We wir gradry accept monies flum a white boy”

The semester will be 13 weeks long, and consist of 2 language classes, and 1 cultural class. Exciting no?

So I have started to pack my crashpad in Miami.

Bittersweet.

There is going to be a lot I miss about Miami.

Ok, ok , ok… I will miss a couple things.

OKAY- FINE… There really isn’t much that I am going to miss about “Miami”. I am going to miss a couple of my friends that I have become really close to.

I may miss the few Cuban cafes that I like.

The occasional glimpse of the skyline at night crossing the bridge into Miami Beach.

But overall- I'm going to miss things like yesterday.

Yesterday I made the mistake…AGAIN… by agreeing to go shopping with a good friend of mine and her sister.

2 females….

A HUGE mall…

Christmas time….

What the FORNICATE was I thinking?

Let’s just say I don’t claim to be smart all the time.

At least this time I wasn’t held hostage in a 5 by 10 store known as Betsy Johnson, who apparently prices her clothes to over compensate for her small store. I can hear her now when all her [Betsy Johnson] designer friends are talking… “wow, so you have a 3,000 square foot store…… yeah, so… I have one boobed bra that cost $700, an earring in the shape of a actual sized flea for $600...

After I was released from being held hostage, I went over to my “Italian Family’s” place. My friend’s mom had made fettuccine (I believe that’s the spelling-at least that’s what spell check says) and by made I mean from scratch! It was good!

So now, as if it’s not bad enough my one friend is studying psychology… her sister whom I am now friends with, is studying for her masters in psychology. So now I am a case study for 2 people. Both of them want to me take this personality test.

I think I only agreed to do it because the sister friend (remember I don’t use names in blogs) had quoted my blog in the store, and I felt warm and fuzzy inside… though this could have been gas from the nasty Japanese food, which I will get to in a second…. However, it felt really nice to be ‘quoted’ by someone who I’m still getting to know, and has no ‘obligation’ to read my blog.

Cool points to you sister friend!

Since she was awesome enough to actually express interest in my blog, I am going to plug hers.

I am practicing for when I am a celebrity and get to say I like things, so that will instantly make people like things because as we know, people don't know what to like unless someone tells them what to like...

So I tell you, you will like her blog “I LUUUUURVE IT”. You have to sing it, or it loses its effect trust me. I think she should have a theme song when you open the blog of a drunk singing… “I wanna be LUUUUUURVED by you, by you, and nobody else...”. Ok, so I need some mental help… maybe it is good that I am friends with these ladies who constantly psychoanalyze me!

Hit me up for the link if interested- because there are some interesting things on there. I mean she doesn’t go on babbling and rambling on about nonsense like I do- but you’ll get a good laugh!

So about the food…

Do you remember my blog about the “organic work” – “the microwaved turkey” – and pretty much any other incident where I talked about food…

It seems as though every time I am with this friend of mine. We end up having a bad food experience. (Except for that one Udon place in San Fran which is awesome).

While I was being held hostage in the mall, we went to have lunch. Both she and I wanted Udon soup, and there was a Japanese place in the mall.

I know, I know… I shouldn’t expect good Japanese food from the mall, but I should at least be able to eat what I get.

Not the case here!!

I get the soup.

Now, typical Udon is basically a clear onion broth with scallions, and the udon noodles.

No more, no less.

The soup I got had scallions, pressed tofu, green beans, corn, peas, seaweed, some chopped sour pickles, udon noodles in a dishrag water broth.

Have you ever worked in a restaurant?

If so- do you know the dish area?

At the end of a night, where they rinse the dishes look like?

If not, imagine using your garbage disposal every day for a month, dumping it out, putting a ramen instant noodle packet seasoning in it, some udon noodles, and there you have this place’s Tempura Udon!

Oh, Oh, Oh!!! I forgot to talk about the tempura shrimp. Tempura, if you don’t know, is a very light battering.

I think I have officially figured out what sunk the Titanic. Don’t believe what you read, it wasn’t an iceberg- it was the batter this company used to fry their shrimp in. Tempura my GLUTEUS MAXIMUS!!

The best part I bring the stuff back up, and the DOG THAT GIVES BIRTH TO OFFSPRING made me wait for a manager who was “in bathroom cuz he have to go”

Seriously? Thanks for the FYI- now I know why the soup tastes so terrible!

He walked out and I picked up the soup- and he didn’t even say anything, he just opened up the register and gave me my money back.

He knew that was some nasty mess himself!!!!

So now today I am going to devote myself to packing up my Miami crashpad.

It’s going to be a sad day when I leave flying but, the cool thing is, I can say in my life:

I now have been to all 50 states

I was able to drink Cuban coffee- IN Cuba

Turkish coffee IN Turkey

Colombian coffee IN Colombia

Tea in Taiwan out of a mug that was actually NOT made in Taiwan.

I have been to Georgia… the country!

I have been to “–stan” countries like Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan.

I have spent so much time in Romania, that for a while there, I wondered if I was going to get a Romanian passport

I have been to places that some people can’t point out on a map- Mali, Mongolia, the Marshall Islands

I have loved some of the places, and hated some of them.

I laughed in all of them.

I have worked with people that I wanted to kill, and worked with people that have forever made an impression on my life (even if that impression was “Dear G-d, please don’t let me turn out like this ANUS”

I have spent more time in a plane than most people will spend in their cars their entire life.

While others complain it takes them an hour to get to work. I would sometimes fly for 15-20 hours before I got to “work”.

I am not going to be sad because I won’t have it anymore- but I am going to cherish the time that I got to experience it.

Besides, its not like I’m dying. Well, I guess we all are ‘dying’- I just am one of the few people that actually decided to “LIVE”.

This new chapter in my life is going to be exciting.

Scary, yet exciting.

I will still travel- just not for free. I will still have adventures, maybe just not as often. And I will surely still write… but don’t call me Shirley!

Now my adventures will be the usual crap that happens to me.

It may only be in exotic locations such as the Magic Mall, or Cousin Pookie’s BBQ Shack and Hair Weave Salon.

But there will be more adventures! I promise! That is what my life is about!

Live, Learn, Adventure till di fiya na burn!

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there” ~ Charles F. Kettering (1876-1958)

Microwaved Memories

Sitting here eating this stale ass Ranch Chicken Taco Salad from my local Calle Ocho Taco Bell (yeah, you can admit it… jealous I know) – I was just thinking about the past month.

This was the “thankful” month. A month we are supposed to remember all the things and people we are thankful for. Why just a month? Shouldn’t we be doing this everyday of our lives?

I still think one of the funniest, and best things that ever came out of my mothers mouth was when she said “when ya think you have nothin’ to be thankful for… take your pulse”.

My last adventure started out with a flight (on a small plane) to Podunk Ohio. A place the locals call Canal Winchester. This… town (and I only call it a town because there is a Super Walmart), is outside of Columbus. By outside, I mean WAY outside. Like where you send lepers, homeless people and crackheads – or any combination of the previous.

We were to sit there for 103 hours to start. Yes ONE HUNDRED and THREE hours. Do you know how long that is to sit in a Best Western? A Best Western where the floors were so thin, when you walked everything in the room shook. A Best Western where when I walked into the room, the phone was ringing non-stop. By non-stop I don’t mean it would riiiiiing, pause, riiiiing – I mean it would riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing until I unplugged the bastard. A Best Western where the gym (and I use that word VERY lightly) was about 5 foot by 5 foot- all the equipment broken, and it smelled of gas. Not the gas that you’re probably thinking of -from a heater, or stove kind of gas. So, either they did not want you to work out, or the owners were the founder of the first “Holocaust Reenactment Group” and this was their way of getting people to “play along”.

Part of this 103 hours…. ONE HUNDRED AND THREE FREAKING HOURS… fell during Thanksgiving. Bitter? Slightly!!

Initially I was supposed to spend Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania. I was going to be in the middle of nowhere there as well; however some friends invited me to drive to where they live in PA and have dinner with them. That was my plan. That was what I was going to do. That is something I should have known would never happen… why? Because that’s not how my company works.

Side Note:

I sometimes feel that when we first graduate training, and they shake our hands; they are really placing a small microscopic device in our hand that is absorbed into our blood stream- a small device that I like to call the “phuk-up-ameter”. This device listens to all your plans, coordinates with a centrally located database (by centrally I mean in the head of scheduling’s office). It compares the time, date and plans to your schedule (even if it is the day OF)… then :::alarm alarm alarm::: it instantly sends out a change in the itinerary. Scheduling calls you and tell you… guess what, you are no longer going to enjoy where you are, we are sending you somewhere where the only thing you can do is count the roaches on your ceiling.

Back to the regularly unscheduled babbling:

The bottom line is, dinner was not going to be spent with the family friends.

This being the “thankful month” I decided to look at it in a different light. A dim far away light. A match-lit candle flickering in the distant field of a windstorm kind of light… but a different light none-the-less.

The people I was sent on this adventure with were amazing. I really can not complain there.

In fact, one of the girls I was with happens to have become a very dear friend to me. She has been very helpful in me deciding to go back to school full time. She herself is in school studying Psychology, and I know that one day she is going to be one helluva shrink. Actually, the more I think about it… I don’t really think she looks at me as a friend…but more like a case study… I’m going to have to revisit the good things I say about her at a later time… I might be reading into it more than I should! I digress.

The rest of the people are very nice. I really have nothing bad to say about any of them.

So here I am being bitter and depressed, and I get a call. This time it actually stopped ringing when I picked it up. Surprisingly, some of the ladies found out that the Kroger was going to be open for a few hours on Thanksgiving, and the company was going to order a premade turkey dinner. The lady from the front desk (with a mock-mullet) was going to bring in some plates for us to use. (Add her to the list to be thankful for)

Suddenly I am feeling a little bit happier.

This was awesome considering NOTHING was going to be open on Thanksgiving; no I take that back, the donut shop was going to be open… but my idea is a turkey stuffed with dressing, not a fried piece of dough stuffed with calories and some random cream made of god knows what..

So after a couple days of doing nothing but watching foreign films on Netflix, another call is received. “We are meeting at 1430 (2:30pm for you non-military time speakers) to go get the stuff”.

I love these random phone calls telling me we are “picking up the stuff”. I don’t know whether to feel like a spy, or a crack dealer.

So we meet downstairs.

Oh yeah, something else I forgot to add… there is NO elevator at this Best Western either. You know that is fun carrying all our crap up those stairs!

So we meet downstairs, and venture off into the freezing rain. And yes I mean literally frozen rain. It was about 30 degrees (roughly -1C for my metric friends). We start our walk over to the Kroger. It’s only about a 10 minute walk, and it doesn’t matter to me anyways because I love to walk.

We get there, and surprise. Our meal is at another Kroger. Which makes ZERO sense to me because it was ordered at THAT Kroger, and they called us (well not me, but the one lady) and told her that our meal was ready.

The lady behind the counter at the deli just gave us someone else’s meal and said they would just prepare another one for them. So if the Becker Family (I think that was the name) ever reads this. Thank you very much! Another thing to be thankful for!

So we get some more odds and ins around the store. You know the essentials, can opener, wine, pumpkin pie, another bottle of wine, some veggies, another bottle of wine, a knife to cut the turkey (and of course to be sure the TSA is doing their job properly when we try to get back to the plane).Last but not least of course a bottle of Baileys as a “pre-dinner drink”.

We get outside and I hear “oops”. This is never a good word to hear. We all look, and apparently, they (I was not in line with them, so for ONCE, I am not to blame) forgot to put the knife on the belt. We now have a stolen, or as I like to refer to it “permanently borrowed” item in the bags! SCANDALOUS!!

We get back to the hotel. We open the box with the “precooked” turkey in it and…-yet another wrench in the spokes of the bike of life. The turkey is almost frozen.

Here we have a turkey, and no way to cook it…. Or is there? Between all of us, and the “breakfast room” we had 8 microwaves. We cut up the turkey into several pieces, and tap it, slap it, zap it- you got a turkey! Add to that the sweet potatoes, and everything else freshly made in the microwave, add a candle taken off the front desk, and 7 smiling faces, you have a thanksgiving meal.

I could look at this in so many different ways. I like to think of it as though we were celebrating Thanksgiving much like the pilgrims-minus the buckled shoes and funny hat- and Indians – minus the feathers and moccasins (we’re not talking about the bindhi and tikka kind). We had to ‘hunt’ for the food. We had to sit down to a meal with people, some of which, we had never eaten. Foreigners to some- in fact, we had Belgium, Argentina, Holland, Trinidad & Tobago (I had to tell her, please don’t jump and wave during the blessing, this isn’t a fete). And most of all, we were thankful to have a meal- and wine of course!

Though I don’t think there is enough paper and ink to put all the things I am happy for in life, I would like to make a short list for the things I am thankful for from this last adventure (in my own cynical way).

-The person who always calls out of work- this allowed me to work with a very dear friend of mine.

-The last minute screw up in scheduling- though is made my dear friend have a long miserable day; it made me thankful that I didn’t have any craziness getting to where I was going, and got the chance to be a friend and listen to her cuss, bitch, and scream.

-The 24hr Super Walmart in Canal Winchester- Thank you for the beautiful displays of mullets, and hiring the mentally challenged. Without you, I would not have entertainment for the several days I was stuck here, and the mentally challenged, slow, and genetically challenged people would have no jobs.

-Mock-Mullet Front Desk Lady- Though your hairdo is way out of style, your heart is WAY big. Thank you for the dishes (which also were way out of style, which is probably why you didn’t mind lending them to us while your family ate off of dishes without a painting of vegetables painted by Dali’s retarded child) You know that if the front desk thing doesn’t work out- Walmart is always rolling back prices, and combing back mullets!

- The inventor of the microwave- b/c without 8 of these little mini-nuclear wars contained in a metal box, we would not have had a meal

- The “Honk” Housekeeper- It was hard as hell to understand you with your lisp, heavy accent, and stuttering, you were really sweet, and I am thankful that you allowed me to steal (permanently borrow) cups and coffee off your cart. I hope you had a blessed family dinner!

- TSA (I know this one is a shocker) – for not finding the big ass knife in my carry on so that I could have a knife in my ‘crashpad’ in Miami. You REALLY know how to do your job. I feel MUCH safer knowing that you are protecting our airports and the citizens of this country by telling me that the WATER bottle I was carrying was not allowed through the checkpoint! Thank you for being so thorough!

So as I finish up this Ranch Chicken Taco Salad. A salad with a stale taco shell bowl, and 2 small pieces of chicken, and NO ranch dressing (apparently the “ranch’ part of the chicken just means the chicken came from a ranch). I smile. Life is not that bad… and when it is, at least it’s funny.

I was really depressed that I was not going to get to spend the “normal” holiday with family. In return, I gained an experience, a story, a memory that no one can take from me… well except that German named Al… Al Zheimer!

“Good days are to be gathered like grapes, to be trodden and bottled into wine and kept for age to sip at ease beside the fire. If the traveler has vintaged well, he need trouble to wander no longer; the ruby moments glow in his glass at will” ~ Freya Stark (1893-1993)

Umm... so where was I?

I know, I know… it has been quite a while since I have posted… in fact it has been several months.

So much has gone on since my last post…. My mom turned 65 (which was an adventure in itself because the woman barely acts 25, let alone 65). She wanted to go Zorbing in the Smokey Mountains… and by god, that’s what we did. If you don’t know what it is, I highly recommend you look it up, and if you get a chance to do it… DO IT!

Let’s see what else has happened? I have had a few pretty good adventures to places I had never been before. Taipei, Kuala Lumpur, Cambodia to name a few. I have decided that I will be going back to school in June fulltime. I have thought about taking a few classes while I am finishing off my last few months flying as well- though this is still up in the air (no pun intended)

Currently I it is 4:16am and I am sitting drinking a cup of English Breakfast tea (with milk and sugar of course) in my Bucharest hotel room.

I just peeked out the window, and saw something shady going on downstairs with a van. After a few minutes of watching them, I noticed they turned off their interior light in the van, and also the headlights, but they are still sitting down there in the dark. Can you say crack deal?

To get here was quite the deal. We commercialed on Alitalia. This is always… well… trying to say the least. Normally the equipment they fly is a B777. This time it was a B767… one of my least favourite planes to fly on as a passenger. Especially with Alitalia.

Well Alitalia is not exactly known for being customer friendly. Normally you see them once when you board, and once when they do the first service… then you don’t see them again until right before landing (10 hours later). This time, it was a LITTLE different. I saw them a couple times in between.

Normally there are at least 3-4 fights onboard. This is not counting the ones between passengers, I’m just talking about flight attendants. This time there was only 3, and 2 passenger fights.

My introduction to the Italian colloquialisms started with Alitalia. The first time I ever flew them (on a flight to Rome), I learned that Che cosa e? Doesn’t always mean- “so what is this thing”. When said in the right intonation it also means “Hey- what the f*c%”. How did I learn this you may ask? Well, a B777 is a wide-bodied aircraft so there are 2 aisles. The flight attendants were doing a service, and the female flight attendant was screaming at the TOP of her lungs to the male flight attendant on the other side of the aircraft; “CHE COSA E… CHEEEEE COOOOSSSAAAA”…. Which I later learned meant the previously stated explanation.

So for this flight, on the smallest 767 I have EVER been on; I had an aisle seat in the center portion of the aircraft. There was a couple sitting next to me, and a family in the entire row in front of me. Well apparently the row in front of me thought they owned the aircraft. I think not. They learned real quickly that I too, know the term “CHE COSA E?”. The people sitting next to me were even fighting with them. Let just say that is a LONG flight for such a cramped space. When the person in front of me put their seat back (and believe me that old trash bag did) if I stuck my tongue out, I could have licked her forehead… that’s how far back she came into my lap. Needless to say, the flight sucked. But I made it alive, so I shouldn’t complain.

The next leg was from Rome to Bucharest on Tarom Airlines. That was a nice flight (because I was able to sleep) and the crew was extremely amazing, they even upgraded me to first class. Some people recognize class when they see it!

Tomorrow (or should I say in 3 hours and 30 minutes) I will be boarding a plane to Kuwait City. Sadly I will not be staying there. Then I come back to Bucharest, and do everything in reverse… back to Miami.

I will try to update my blogs more often. I have been crazy busy trying to study for college entry exams. Apparently, I suck at speaking and understanding my native tongue of English. I have been taking practice exams. Spanish- 100%, French 94%, English 60% the first time…. I have been in Miami too long; it’s time for me to get the heck out of there!

The transition I have decided is going to be pretty difficult on me emotionally. I so dearly love to travel, and I have been able to go to so many amazing places. I have been trying not to think about the leaving aspect, but I know that it is for the better good. Once I finish my schooling, I will be able to get another job that allows me to travel, and actually get paid what I’m worth.

I think this blog will probably help me get through a lot of trying times. This [blog writing] really is a good “therapy” for me. As much of a private person as I am, I still enjoy sharing my life with people who are interested to read about it. I will be posting more again now that I’m back into the routine of it.

- “The most essential factor is persistence- the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.” ~ James Whitcomb Riley (1849-1916)

It's Organic!

I finally get an adventure I am excited about!

Good destinations- check

Good people traveling with me- double check

Decent layovers- semi-check

Good time- crosscheck and secured!

On our first leg of the adventure, we start out in Miami and end up on the island of Oahu, staying at a hotel on Waikiki Beach.

I am happy to finally get “lei’d” in Hawaii. I got a beautiful lei made of orchids (my favourite flowers) and some other type of really fragrant flower that was so proud of its fragrance, it wanted anyone within 50 feet to smell it! Thank god for this flower, because after spending close to 12 hours on a plane, I’m sure I didn’t smell all that fresh!

We stayed in a fairy decent hotel, I think I would be stretching to say it was nice... but the beds were clean, and the toilets were clean. That to me counts as a decent hotel. I am glad I only had a short time there the hotel was EXTREMELY loud. We were right above the ‘party’ district and probably until 4-5 in the morning, all you heard was shouting, yelling, puking, fights, hookers, police sirens, ambulance sirens, you name it, I heard it.

Before trying to settle to bed, I went out with a group of friends. We walked over to the “International Mall” (so they say). It was mostly touristy stuff, nothing really worth buying. Myself and an actually friend (not just a work friend) went and got crabs together. Not from the hookers!! Surprisingly they were pretty cheap (the crabs, not the hookers) we paid like $14 for 2 HUGE clusters of snow crab, with some rice, corn, grilled pineapple. So we split that.

Afterwards- back to the hotel.

Of course in order to get into the hotel, we had to fight and kick our way through a line of 6 deep hookers standing out front of our hotel. I guess they heard that the “International Pimp” was staying there, and they all wanted to come work for me! (Ok, so I live in a state of insanity, but let me tell you, it’s the best state in the nation of craziness!)

While showering, I realized that I am glad I didn’t get sun burnt. The showerhead at this hotel was part pressure washer, and I couldn’t help but imagine how it would have felt on sun burnt flesh!

From my general impression of Honolulu (Waikiki in specific)-: way too many tourists.

The people were nice, but almost fake nice. I can get that in Florida!

I heard from other people that the other islands are much nicer, cleaner, and the people are genuinely friendly. I guess next time I’ll have to explore a little deeper.

The following morning I flew to the Marshall Islands. A group of islands just south of the Tropic of Cancer in the south Pacific. Flying into these islands was an amazing experience. The water was so many shades of blue. In fact it went all the way from white to almost black. Tiny tiny islands. We landed there only for a short bit, but enough time to walk around and ‘explore’ a wee bit. The people here were friendly, and very enthusiastic to get us to their “shops”, which consisted of one shop, that sold potato chips!

We loaded up and flew to our next stop of Guam.

Now this island is a hidden treasure. The last time I was here was several years back, and I do not remember it being so nice. Truly a hidden paradise.

My hotel was partially overlooking the city, and the other part was the beautiful lagoon. The people of the hotel were amazingly nice. The hotel staff greeted us with a private room for us to fill out our hotel cards.
Side note: a lot of hotel in other countries (yes, I know Guam is a US territory, but its still “another country”) have you fill out a long slip of paper with your passport number, home address, etc. Now back to my story.
They said they knew we had been traveling for most of the day, and wanted us to be comfortable when we filled these out. They also brought out beer and bottled water for us as well.

I tried my first Filipino beer San Miguel. Really good!!

We all went up to our rooms, and decided we were going to meet up downstairs for a drink and then go get dinner together.

We met down by the pool, and I started to talk to 2 guys that worked there. I wanted to see where the local ate. I don’t believe in traveling to the other side of the world to eat something I can eat in my own backyard.

I think the best tip I can ever give anyone on traveling internationally, or even domestically is to do what my mother always says to do.

Yes, pack a lot of clean underwear, but that’s not the tip…..

Talk to the natives!

Find out where they eat, what is the local cuisine?

You’d be surprised how much you can learn about the culture just by seeing/experiencing their foods. Besides, if it is a place where locals eat, chances are, it will be much tastier, and mega-ton much cheaper.

So our Samoan transplant, and Palauan transplant recommends this place called Proas. They tell us it’s only about a 10-minute walk from the hotel!

Of course what they failed to tell us is… you need a reservation!

So the 10-minute walk turned into a group of cranky people. Myself was not included in that group. I don’t let little miniscule things like that upset my travels!

We ended up settling on this Vietnamese place. I love Vietnamese food. How can you get bad food…. Well, let me tell you…. You CAN!!!

After sitting down at this huge circular table (complete with a lazy susan in the center) the funky smell crept into my nostrils.

I usually try not to let that cloud my judgment. After all, I have had some great food from the stankiest restaurants!

The waitress was clueless from the get jump. (Bless her lil heart)

We all ordered our food.

We wait…..

Wait….

Wait some more….

Finally, ONE dish comes out….

Wait…

A little more….

TWO dishes come out!

By this time, I feel like the Count from Sesame Street… One, ONE plate of food… ah ah!
Eventually, all the food (not the appetizers that were ordered, the FOOD) comes out… well all except ONE persons.

She waits….

One person slides some food off their plate onto hers…

She waits some more….

Wha… Wait… there’s a plate coming… OH NOOOOOOO, it’s not hers, its an appetizer.

She waits….

Another person gives her some food.

She waits…

By this time, the table is pretty much all disappointed with the food. Well all but one person, but he was feeling so good from his beer, I think he would have ate dog crap and thought it was good!

She gets up and tells the waitress to just forget about the meal.

We order the checks… and they bring out the checks…..Then…

This is the kicker…

Her food comes out….

I know, it’s not funny, but we couldn’t help but laugh afterwards.

We get back to the hotel, and pretty much, nothing exciting happens.

The following day we fly into Vietnam. Da Nang to be exact.

Flying into this country was beautiful. I never realized how mountainous this country was. Very pretty from the sky.

We land and it is hot.

Like a microwave in HELL kinda hot!

We park next to a HUGE military plane. I love planes!

Thirty minutes after we arrive, I am able to watch a repatrization ceremony. They (our military) had found the remains of 3 US Soldiers, and they were bringing them back to the States.

The ceremony was a little eerie. There were no words spoken. No music.

There were 3 black boxes.

A member of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines were there in their dress uniforms.

They had a certain group of steps and salutes they did, carried the box over to a coffin, placed it in, and then marched the coffin into the military plane.

It was very moving in a strange kind of way.

It was probably 99 (thousand) degrees, plus standing on that concrete made it hotter. The sun was reflecting off the ground, and I didn’t have my sunglasses.

It was a cool thing to have witnessed.

I love the fact that I get to travel to places some people never imagine traveling to, and witnessing things that most people will NEVER witness.

After we fly back to Guam, we are there 30 some odd hours.

I had planned with my friends some activities to do while we were there.

Yeah- that didn’t happen.

It rained...

And rained…

Then rained some more…

I need to back up a little bit. I forgot to mention that our hotel in Guam did not have internet.

But for some reason, I was able to get it from my room!
I was on the 8th floor, and the 9th floor was the “executive” level, and I was right below their business centre which had free internet. So my room became know as “The Bootleg Internet Café”

Everyone was coming to my room.

Back to the story…

Since it was raining, needless to say, we didn’t really do anything.

We sat and talked.

About 11:30 that night, the World Cup Game between USA and Algeria was on.

We agreed to meet in my room.

I feel sorry for anyone who was around my room. We were WAY too loud!

But oh well- we won… that’s all that matters! (even if our team really doesn’t play that well)

The following day we flew to Japan to catch our connection back to the US.

Let’s just say that people in the Narita airport are some of the rudest people I have ever encountered anywhere in the world. People talk about Parisians or New Yorkers being rude (I still have yet to encounter that) Hands down the Japanese were the epidmy of rude!

I was shocked. Whenever you think of Japan, you always think of manners, and polite people. How they have us fooled!

No one wanted to help us. Everyone was “no no too busy, come back rater” or “someone erse come to herp, not my job”. It literally took us 3 hours to get seat assignments! SERIOUSLY??

So we get on our flight from Tokyo/Narita to San Francisco. Were all a little flustered because of the crap service.

Of COURSE, I have the VERY last row in the plane. Thank god it reclines a tiny bit.

Suddenly I look up.

Like an angel sent from heaven, a flight attendant has a silver tray, filled with mimosas for all of us. Not just one… but, 2!

Meal came through, and another flight attendant pours a glass of wine from her open carton, and then puts an unopened carton on my meal tray… like an adult juice box!

The flight pretty much continued on like this across the pond. Drink after drink after drink after drink.

By the time we get to San Francisco, I am PLASTERED. I passed out probably an hour before landing.

Remember kids, one drink in the air is equivalent to two on the ground!

I arrive at customs, and thank god the customs officer had a good sense of humour. When he asked me if I had anything to declare, I said “yes”.. he said “what do you have to declare” I said – “I have to declare, that I… :::hiccup::: am drunk!” He laughed and then I was serious and told him that I had nothing, blah blah blah.

We get to the hotel “Diva” in San Francisco. (Can you tell our travel department for work is a little strange)
It’s a nice modernized 1930’s style building. TINY hotel rooms (at least mine was, apparently some other colleagues got suites… not me, NOOOO)

The staff is extremely nice.

I am really excited (well, after I wake up with a hang-over)

This is where my favourite Chinese restaurant ANYWHERE is. Hang Ah Tea Room on Sacremento (I think that’s the name of the street). All I know is its behind the Willie Woo Woo Playground .

So I get up…

Fall back asleep.

Get up again…

Fall back asleep AGAIN…

Bascially this happens a few times until my friend calls and says “You need to get the F up I’m STARVING”

I managed to get up, shower, and head downstairs.

The location of the Hotel Diva is incredible, walking distance to pretty much everything you would want to see in San Fran.

We walk to Chinatown.

I am ready to HURT this food. Visions of the food and how tastey it is are tap dancing on my tongue. I’m practically doing a Chinese jig (ok, I know it’s Irish, relax) because I’m so excited about this food.

We walk up this steep ass hill.

Past Willie Woo Woo…

It’s in sight!

My tastebuds are watering so much, I look like a rabid wallaby!

I get to the door….

OH I CANT WAIT!!

:::Locked:::

Seriously?

I pull it again…. Yep, its locked. I read the hours of operation… sure enough, they should be opened.

I, like a retard, pull on the door again.

:::locked:::

I’m so sad! I mean literally almost to the point of tears.

So I walk away. Head hung low in sadness. My friend I am with is sad as well. She understands that I know good food, and she saw the disappointment in my eyes.

We walk up and down the streets of Chinatown looking for a restaurant that calls out to me. Though nothing will compare to Hang-Ah Tearoom.

A little old Chinese lady approaches us and hands us a flyer.

By this time, we are so hungry, I was ready to eat the lady that approached us. We walk over to this Chinese restaurant.

Go up stairs (as if walking up and down the hills of San Fran wasn’t enough).

We are seated and a LOUD lady comes over “WHA YU WAAN TU JRINK?”

Need I remind you, I am REALLY hung over.

They bring me my hot tea and water, and then we place our order.

They then bring out our free potstickers (that was the coupon).

Cold…

I should have known that this was not going to be a good experience when I look and you have to order your rice separately. NO meals came with rice. What the freak kind of Asian restaurant does not include rice with your food…. I digress….

The food arrives….

COLD…

I start to eat…

It’s really not that good.

I try my friends. I feel the same, in fact, hers is really terrible.

Suddenly I take a closer look at my food.

What the FUCK is that?

I pick it up with my chopsticks. “What does that look like to you?” I ask my friend sitting there with me.

“An onion maybe from the rings”…

I place it on my place, and cut it open with my chopstick (a skill learned through much training)

Sure enough, it was NOT an onion. Unless onions now have guts and insides.

I almost throw up. Let’s back up again to remind you, I have a bad hang over. From WINE. If you have ever had a hang over from wine, you know that your stomach is really sensitive.

Normally this would have not bothered me. In fact, I have eaten some crazy stuff overseas. OVERSEAS! OVER-SEAS! As in, NOT the USA. I live in a country where I do NOT have to eat these things to survive, so I choose NOT to eat these things.

I call for the manager.

Ms Loudness comes back “WHA IS QUESTION”…

“Not a question there Ms Fortune teller, there is a WORM in my food”…

“OKAY?”…

So… here I am truly stumped. If I owned a restaurant, and I hope one day to have an establishment that serves food, I would have been so apologetic and embarrassed at this point.

“SO WHA IS QUESTION”

Now, am I on glue or did she just brush this off like its not a problem.

“Worms… in my CHICKEN….?” I really am confused at this point.

“IT’S ORGANIC”. Ok, now the bitch has overdone it.

“I know, but so is crude oil, it doesn’t mean that I want to drink it”

“IT’S ORGANIC, FRUM VESHEBUL”. (This bitch REALLY wants me to stab her in her nostril with my chopstick)

“I understand that, but I ordered CHICKEN, NOT WORMS”.

She still doesn’t get it. She really does not see a problem with this.

“Well I’m not paying for this”

“YOU WAN SUMFING DIFFWEN?”

“YES!! I want to get the hell up out of this place!”

So we leave… feeling twice as sick as when we went in there… and STILL hungry. Although, I really can not fathom eating anything else because I am so scared to eat now.

We get back to the hotel, and literally spend the next 4-5 hours just chillin in the lobby talking to the front desk people. The music was really chill, and the chairs were really comfortable.

The front desk guy recommended we try this place 2 doors down from the hotel. It is a ramen place.

We eventually went to see what the fuss was all about.

Apprently this place is the SHIZ-NIT! There are people LINED up outside. In fact, they make you read the menu and decide what you want before they even seat you.

Unlike the other place, it is FULL of Asian people. This to me says GOOD food!

After assuring they were not going to feed us worms, we put our name on the waiting list and eventually sit down and order our soups.

I got the Tempura Udon. Udon noodles in an awesome broth with some tempura vegetables. The staff was extremely friendly, and the soup was exactly what I needed for my stomach!

The rest of the trip was quick. We flew to Minneapolis, and then back to Miami.

The trip was a memorable one. I haven’t had a trip like this in a long time.

The month of July will probably be slow for me. Pretty much I will go to and from Cuba several times, so the blogs will probably be really short.

Towards the end of the month, my mom is turning 65, and we (my siblings and I) are going to be doing a road trip (I’m the one driving mom) up to Tennessee and we are taking her Zorbing. (More about that later)

“A man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore” ~ Andre Gide (1869-1951)

I'm sorry, your Delay has been Delayed....

Delays, delays, and more delays!

This was an adventure where I could have done without a LOT of the issues.

Like no sleep.

The trip started out with a sleepless night. So I figured I would take advantage of it, get up, shower, double check my bags that I had all I needed (even though I knew I wasn’t going to need a lot because my traveling companions were not close friends)

I get dressed and make my way to the IHOP by work.

Always an adventure at IHOP.

Now I know that the area next to most airports are ghetto. I am ok with this. However…. Just because your establishment is in the ghetto, doesn’t mean you have to insist on hiring ghetto. Prime example here….

I walk into the restaurant. There is ONE man sitting at the counter. No one else.

Nobody.

And he is already eating. (Please remember this, as it is pertinent information for later in this part of the story)

I walk up to the host/hostess (I don’t like to discriminate) station.

“Um, baby, you gonna have to sit at the counter because today my feets is hurtin and I ain’t tryna do all that walkin”.

Yes… my thoughts exactly.

I don’t even have to type out what I was thinking, because I am sure you are thinking the same thing.

This was fine for me, because at the end of the day, I am there to eat, its not like there’re great views from any part of the restaurant anyways.

So I sit down.

At the counter.

I read the menu, and its pretty much easy, I am a man of pattern, and pretty much order the same thing there every time. Even though I read the menu and act like I’m going to try something new.

Well, this time I had to.

There were no grits.

Zip.

Zero.

Nada.

“I ain’t bout to make any with nobody here”

So, I have to order something different.

Meanwhile I get my coffee. Decide what I wanted, placed the menu down.

The waitress comes over and takes my order.

2 eggs, over easy.

2 Pancakes.

Turkey sausage.

Simple.

About 10 minutes, I look up and notice that the cook is in the back singing to Luther Vandross. Go ‘head, sing on, but, um…. Why are you back there standing around, just eating biscuits like they were tic tacs, sweat pouring down your face? I mean this man could fry chicken in his nostril if he got hot enough. Greasy greasy greasy!

I flag the waitress down and ask what the delay is on my food.

No I’m not in a hurry, however, I would like to eat sometime before my Christmas meal.

“Oh, I didn’t know you was ready.”

I wanted to say “Ho I was ready when I gave you my order, do you think I am enjoying watching Billy Bob in the back serenade us with his greasy bits of Luther all while seeing how many biscuits he can fit into his mouth pie hole?”

But I maintained my cool.

“I’m ready”

“Aight den”… and the order was put into the system.

While Billy-Bob started my meal in the back, I tuned out his singing, and turned my attention to the 2 waitresses talking. One of which was mine, and the other was another younger, prettier, but just as ghetto, girl. Complete with blue and purple weave.

Classy, I know!

“When dat ho (she said a name here, but it slips my mind right now, as its been a few days), when she gets off da mornin shift, ima cap huh ass when she goes out to huh car. I ain’t got time to study all dis bullshit, I’ve been doin so good tryna kick dis crack habit….”

I stopped listening right there. As much as I joke around about crackheads, etc. Here I was sitting not 10 feet from a genuine, authentic crack head. AND she was open about it.

I am mad that she is talking about kicking her crack habit in FRONT of paying customer at the restaurant.

Seriously?

I mean, it was funny as hell for me. In fact… I think a small part of me fell in love with her crack smoking, ass-cappin, blue and purple weave self.

Ima be huh future crack-baby daddy!

So I finish my meal, and head into work.

2 hours early….

Once everyone got there we looked over our itinerary, and like usual we had to go through our asses to get to our elbow.

In other words, we went to Cleveland in order to get to Washington D.C.

It was nice weather in DC but didn’t really have enough time to do anything, but go to the Chick-Fil-A next door to the hotel, and to the restaurant downstairs. It was nice to catch up with the bartender there. You know you have been to a place too many times when you know the bartender by first name, where shes from, etc.This is a little bit of a different situation though. This was also the place I have spent most time in, due to the blizzard that happened in February. She (the bartender) said that they literally JUST stopped talking about all the “activity” that went on during that time!

So fast forward to the best part of the trip.... (If there is a silver lining in a purse made of shit)

We work for 16 hours, and take a delay in getting into our hotel in Bournemouth, England.

Flying into the town, I already knew that I was going to love it. Looking down you could see fields and fields of green pastures. Horses running around. Catlle grazing. Flowers blooming.

We get off the plane and are greeted by the typical politeness that you get while in jolly ole England.

I keep using the “we” term here, so please allow me to talk about my travel companions. I will try my best to remain polite as possible, although I am not from England, so I do not have to remain polite by cultural expectations!

Let me start with what I think has to be the most annoying person on the trip. I start off with him because by the end of the trip, I had spent so much “forced” time around him, I was ready to gouge my eyes out with the next blunt object I found, and hang myself with a rope made from stolen hair weave!

This is someone that just doesn’t get it. By it, I mean ANYTHING. He is the type of person you just want to turn to and say … PLEASE, SHUT UP, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE LIKES YOU!

I tried reaching to the deepest pits of my soul to try to find some compassion for this guy…. Yeah, that pit was bone dry!

He talks in a monotone, non expressive , please push me off a rocky cliff kind of voice.

Then we have Ms. Lazy.

If you know me, I can deal with most things… hell, I even dealt with Mr. Monotone and all of his “honkness”, but laziness is something I can NOT tolerate.

I will not even start with her trying to gossip about one of my good friends; which I instantly had to put a stop to, because the mess wasn’t true.

I hate untrue gossip.

Especially, when it’s about one of my good friends.

Gossip is one thing, but I never gossip about (well try not to) people in a way that it would damage their character. Even if its someone I do not like. I try to be respectful to them, even in gossip.

I mean a ho is a ho is a ho… but I’m just going to say “may, shes a ho”. I’m not going to say “that ho has crabs”, unless I have heard from the ho’s mouth… “damn, I got crabs”. THEN I will repeat it. (Unless the ho specifically asks me not to say anything)

So back to my travel companions.

The other two are ok.

One of which I really can only tolerate in small bits. Although this time I will say he was more refined, and only managed to embarrass me a few time.

That should say something, because I don’t embarrass easily.

The other one, I had only had one encounter with on a previous trip a long time ago. It wasn’t so pleasant. So I thought she didn’t like me too much, but that was put behind us, because she thought the same thing about me.

We worked well with each other and managed to laugh a lot. She was my saviour on this trip.

She earned a lot of respect from me too, because she had “heard” some gossip about a friend of mine, and instead of just say “I heard this and this and that”. She actually asked if I knew if it was true.

That and she had a goofy sense of humour. She kept my blood pressure down for sure. Because with Madame Lazy, I think I would have lost my mind.

We only had approximately 11 hours in England. Yeah, I know a LOT of time after working for 16 hours.

When we got there, it was already day light. So we decided that we were going to go ahead and suck it up, shower, and meet downstairs, explore a little.

I didn’t have as much time as I would have liked, but for the time, I got a good amount of sites in.

The town is on the sea, and very “green”. There is a really nice botanical garden, complete with teenagers ‘getting it on’, homeless folks discussing the coming of Jesus, birds getting it on, fountains, squirrels getting it on, miniature golf course.

We (Madame Lazy, Miss Crazy, and I) stopped at a seaside place to get Fish ‘n Chips. I mean you have to eat that if you’re in England no?

It was very good, although I will admit I was a little confused because I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to eat the fish with my fingers or with a knife and fork. In fact, none of us really did. So I did half and half.

The cost of things was, I would say about equivalent to what we would pay in the states, although it was a little pricey for us because of the Pound to Dollar exchange. But it didn’t “break the bank” like things tend to in Europe these days.

England, and if not England, just this town, has the most hysterical signs I have ever seen. It might have been the fatigue setting in, or the combined stupidity of mine and Ms Crazy’s sick sense of humour; but the signs alone provided hours and hours of entertainment for us.

Back at the hotel was when the hell set in.

By hell, I mean HEAT.

The weather outside was nice. 80+ degrees, with a breeze so it didn’t feel that hot.

Now INSIDE… this was another story.

A/C is not a standard ‘issue’ for hotels in this town apparently.

At least the one I was staying in.

My usual routine whenever I travel is to come in, turn the air ALL the way down.

I like a freezing room.

If not freezing, at least cold!

I sleep better (when I do sleep) with a room that is cold.

This wasn’t going to happen.

No air… oh… and the window won’t open.

WUNDERBAR!!

So I spend the rest of the ‘night’ trying to fight myself to go to sleep.

I probably get a couple hours of sleep.

Only to work another 16 hours the following day!

Oh goody!

We get to the hotel in Nashville. (That was our next stop)

Initially I am supposed to have 21 hours according to our scheduling department.

Good right?

WRONG.

I have 15 hours, I have to report at 4:45…..

Yes, in the MORNING.

So…..

I go downstairs, like a good employee.

I already know that this day is going to suck.

1-because I am stuck with the monotone monkey.

2- because I had 2 hours of sleep. (it is still hard sometimes to readjust to time changes, even though we do this stuff all the time)

We get to the airport, get our tickets, go to the gate.

Suddenly there is a delay.

One hour.

Then another, making a two hour delay.

Well, I notice that we are not going to catch our connection in Memphis.

Like a GOOD employee, I decide that we should probably call our scheduling department.

I make mention to the monotone monkey, since he is higher than me on the chain of command, it is technically HIS responsibility to make the call.

“You call if you like”

So I do.

“Hey, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up that our flight is has been delayed 2 times, they are working on the plane, and were not going to make our connection. Delta has said that the only thing they could do was put us on standby for the flight into Atlanta (which is overbooked by 15) and then put us on standby for the flight AT 5PM into Miami.”

“What does Delta say…..”

Ok, now I know I have issues sometimes understanding stupidity. Its not one of the languages I speak apparently. But didn’t I JUST tell you what Delta said?

I repeat this…. Again. And make a POINT that I am already fatigued, and did not want to be spending the entire day “waiting” on my fate as to if I’m going to make a flight or not.

I go through and tell our travel department all the options. I did their work for them basically. There is a direct flight on American, and a direct flight on Southwest. DIRECT. Meaning I do not have to go visit ever city between here and Miami. Direct meaning getting STRAIGHT TO THE POINT!

“No, just keep it as it is”

……..

Seriously?

I have told you that were not going to make it on these flights…. And you tell me to keep it as it is.

Well sure as shit attracts flies… the flight ends up cancelling all together.

So, numb-nuts doesn’t want to call… again…

I call back.

“Hey, the flight has cancelled”

“What is Delta telling you”

“Let me repeat this, SLOOOOOOWLY…… THE…..FLIGHT….. HAS ….CANCELLED. I vote you just send me back to the hotel, so I can actually get a proper nights sleep, and then I just come back and do the same thing in the morning”

“No”

“I’m going to look at other flights, and call you back”

Now I had already told her what flights there were.

She calls me back.

“Were putting you on a flight at 2pm on Southwest.”

“Direct?”

“No, through New Orleans”

Wow…. So I have been in this airport since 5am, and you want me to sit around like bird shit on a statue until 2pm. THEN you’re not sending me direct to Miami? But I have to go to New Orleans?

Do you people need a map?

I have learned that when you have your balls in someone else’s hands, you try not to piss them off…. Apparently I have done something to majorly piss these people off!!

I make it- finally- to New Orleans.

Low and behold… the connection……

Delayed once……

Delayed twice……

DO I HEAR THREE TIMES!!

SOLD!!!!!!!

3 times delayed!

The gate agent was amazing though. I have never seen anyone work so patient, so calm, so respectful, and so professional. She helped make my day bearable.

We eventually get back to Miami at 10:30 that night.

Almost 18 hours, for what could have been a 2 and a half hour flight (on a slow plane).

People think that my job is easy.

It is… extremely easy.

It’s just dealing with the idiocracies within my job that makes it hard.

It’s easy for them to play with your life, because its not theirs.

I remember I got in from a trip one time… after being on duty for 21 ½ hours in planes, trains, automobiles, horses, carts pulled by goats, carried in papooses by fat Bavarian women… you get the point- and the person in scheduling was complaining because he had been working for 10 hours.

Yea- in A/C, behind a desk, in the same time zone, able to step away to get a bite to eat, and pee when he wanted.

Insensitivity at its best!!

So now, I am fighting off a cold.

I still do not know what day it is.

I am forcing myself to get better. I FINALLY am getting a good trip with amazing people, and to great places!

Hawaii

Marshall Islands

Guam

Vietnam

Please prepare yourself for an awesome adventure. I know I am!

“We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery” ~H.G Wells (1866-1946)