Finding Caca-cotta Warriors and a Diamond in the Funk

So I have left you all waiting for long enough... and I need to walk down some paths of happy memories... therefore I will continue with my adventures in China...

When we last left off... I was still in Beijing... now we are going to fly... this makes it sound like I found my way to an opium cafe... but I can guarantee you I was not smoking opium... at a cafe at least....Just kidding! We are going to fly... on an airplane!!

We fly from Beijing to Xi'an... nothing majorly interesting happened... that I remember... I mean the lasting effects of opium to the memory are strong apparently. Okay okay okay... drugs are no laughing matter...

Well apparently for everyone but me...

Somehow the stalker managed to sit not too far from me... I am starting to think this is some kind of a joke... but no... she was there! Crazy eyes and all! Luckily there was only one incident when I had to listen to her creepy annoying voice.

To put into perspective how I started to feel about my "run-ins" with the stalker - here is a little scenario to bring you to my level...

Picture a beautiful day. Perfect weather. Just enough sun to make it bright, but not hot. There is a nice breeze filled with the fragrance of jasmine. You are walking through a beautiful meadow... there are nice little animals frolicking (if animals still do that) in the distance. You come upon a nice little stream. It beacons you to test the water with your barefoot. It is perfect. Refreshing. The sounds of the trickling water make you decide to immerse your body. You sit back against a nice smooth rock and put your head back... beautiful isn't it? The sounds of birds.. the wind... you close your eyes for a split second to enjoy what an amazing experience it is..................

you open your eyes... you can't help but smile...

life is good...

then you take a moment to look down at the purity of the water... only to realize that a huge turd has floated by you... and it just keeps swirling...

and swirling...

and swirling.................... and it never leaves your side...

THIS is how I felt every time I turned around while in China!!

Since we are all on the same page... I will now continue onto my adventures in Xi'an.

Xi'an was a very nice city. I did not care for it as much as Beijing... but there were some aspects that really stood out.

For starters, we got to see the Terra-cotta Warriors. It was really interesting. I do feel kind of bad for the farmer that discovered it though. Imagine you are out farming your land... you decide you need a well... you start digging... them BOOM suddenly the government is giving you roughly $50USD and telling you they now own your land because of its historic value. Um... no MO-FOs! I have a living to make... thank you!!

I think that was the coolest thing for me at the Warrior exhibit was the fact I got to get a picture with the guy, and get his autograph. Seeing the Terra-cotta Warriors was cool too... but sadly it seemed a little too touristy for me. The grounds were beautiful, don't get me wrong... the architecture of the buildings, the stonework for the paths, the gardens, the center lawn with a "keep off the grass" sign so eagerly ignored by tourist just anxious to feel what grass feels like, "what is this green stuff?"... "I don't know, but I don't think we are supposed to touch it... there is a sign!"... "Nooooo they mean keep off the grass... you know... say no to drugs!"... "Ohhhhhhhhh ok!". And how can we forget the kids shitting in the dirt next to the trees in the center courtyard.

Yep!

You read that right.

Enter another culture difference between China and the United States. Remember my first story about the concept of bodily functions... well... in addition to spitting, loud burping, farting, and coughing without covering your mouth...apparently defecating in public on historic grounds is not a taboo either.

The best part is, these kids were NOT 2 years old. These kids had to have been between 8 and 12. Yes, you read THAT right too... kids... as in PLURAL!

We were walking around the area, and I just happened to look over and see one kid walk up next to another kid that was squatting down. (At first I thought the squatting one was playing with something on the ground... ) This second kid walks over... drops his drawz and cops a squat next to the other kid and just commences to shit. They just continued on their conversation as if they were doing nothing wrong... "so what's a kid like you doing shitting in a place like this?"

Remember that song, "I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip, you dip, we dip..." I guess they changed the lyrics, "I pull my pants up off my hip, when I shit, you shit, we shit...."

So needless to say... that was a shitty experience. Pun intended.... (I will get to the case of Stalker v. Pun/Word Play at a later point).

The only other parts of Xi'an that really stand out was a restaurant I ate at in the Muslim Quarter while searching for the Great Mosque. Apparently though it is called "Muslim Quarter" and a majority of the people living, or working in that area are muslim... no one has a clue what a mosque is. Even when I asked in Chinese.... Sounds much like the christians here in the U.S.

 "Oh yeah... I'm a CHRISTIAN! HOLLERLOOYER!"

"What church do you go to?"

"Yea... umm... see... what had happened wuz...."

And this is where the side note of my blog may get a little offensive for the overly sensitive... so if this is you... please close your eyes (much like your mind already is) while reading this next part.

Most of these "bible-thumpers" that spend half their life in the church are so full of shit anyways. Maybe they need to find their way to the courtyard of the Terra-cotta Warriors and relieve themselves of all their shitty-ness... I said it... so what? Just as my mother says (you gotta do this with her southern accent to make it sound more effective) "You can put y'r boots in tha oven everyday... it don' make 'em biscuits!"

Think about it... it really makes sense.

Now before you get all bent out of shape and try to burn this blog (heads up... it's not a book...it's on the computer, so you'd only be burning yo' shit... not mine)... I am NOT saying there is no such thing as a good christian.  I am just saying, most of those that feel the need to "claim" it... usually are the biggest sinners of them all (well, at least according to what their religion considers sin).

If you have a problem with that... then... well... I am sure as a "CHRISTIAN"... you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Back to China.... sorry for that rant!

So the Muslim Quarter... yea... that's where I was!

My group took a shuttle from the hotel to this area. I don't know what I was expecting... but it was NOT this! I wasn't really pleased with the area to be honest. Halfway through walking around I started feeling a little off. I realized I was probably dehydrated... I found a little stand making fresh squeezed orange juice. Well... ever since I moved to Philly... I REALLY miss REAL orange juice I used to get in Florida! So I bought 2 things of it.

I swear this was the best thing about Xi'an!

My group decided that even though we were hungry... we had seen enough and were going to go back to the hotel. While we were sitting around waiting for the shuttle one of the guys and I were wandering around. First I needed to buy a huge bottle of water so I didn't die. After that, we walked around and saw a more "happening" place. We went back and got the group and we wandered that way.

Stands with whole sheep roasting over coals.

Bits and pieces of animals being cooked.

Beautifully bar-b-qued chicken, duck, beef.

The air was filled with an aroma of charcoal smoke, spices, bus diesel, stagnate water in the streets.

This was the real Xi'an!

Not the best of smells, yet somehow it was appealing. Oddly enough the smells that would usually turn my stomach in the states - intrigued my senses here. I wanted more!

After wandering for a bit people watching and site-smelling we stumble upon a diamond in the middle of this back alley.

Not a real diamond.

Hidden between all the dark shops and dark restaurants was a restaurant glistening. It was gleaming it was so clean. It stood out from all of the other places.

Did I mention it was clean?

Though I could not read the Chinese characters for the name of the restaurant, I could read the Arabic neon sign that said "Halal." This is s good thing!

Here is a lesson for those of you who are looking to travel overseas and are not "adventurous" when it comes to eating. Find a Halal or Kosher restaurant. If these restaurants claim they are one or the other... you can pretty much guarantee they will not be feeding you crazy things like pig lung cavities stuffed with goat balls wrapped in cat intestines.

The 4 of us stumble in. We are the only ones there. They close the door behind us, bring us hot tea and turn on the air conditioner (that in itself was an action showing honor)!

The restaurant keepers you could tell from their dress and appearance were one of the 55 smaller ethnic groups in China. From my guess, I would say they were Uyghurs. They could not have been more polite! No one in the entire restaurant spoke English. Since my Chinese is limited... it was interesting. And since I was the only one of our group that had any knowledge of Chinese... guess who got to order. This was interesting considering they did not have an English menu. I told them what we wanted... and we got 2 huge plates of food. 4 of us ate for less than $1.30USD per person. The food was delicious. The food... it was not scorpions. It was not a huge family style dinner in a packed Beijing restaurant. It was simple. It was delicious. It was Xi'an. And the best part about it....


THE STALKER NEVER FOUND ME... 


At least I don't think... though knowing her she was probably hidden inside of the roasting sheep carcass watching my every move! 


I will leave this post with these memories because I am getting a little nostalgic. The more I remember about the trip, the more I wish to be back... so I will continue with my adventures in Xi'an at a later time. I feel the longer I prolong completing these posts about China... the longer I will prolong my acceptance that I am no longer there... that I am no longer surrounded by a group of amazing people (minus crazy-eyes stalker girl) who have similar, if not the same interests as I do...who encouraged me to be myself .... who though they had just come into my life, and were there for a brief period - they left everlasting impressions on me I hope to never forget.

"It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop." ~ Confucius (551-479 BC)

ONE DOLLAH, ONE DOLLAH...STALKER ALERT

To jump straight to the point... is something that I try not to do! So why start now?

I know you are anxious to see if my roommate ever shows up. You know he does... so what is the hurry? Too many people rush things in life... calm down and enjoy it!

But since you are being impatient... I will start...

Let me see... where did I leave off? Oh yeah... fatigue had moved in... decided to build permanent campsite inside the gelatinous (I love that word) connection of fibers people refer to as my brain.

By the time we got to the reception dinner... I am not sure if I was drooling from hunger... or from being tired... my guess is the latter of the two... but who am I?

So if my memory serves me correct... and bless its little heart it usually does. After dinner I went back to my room and passed out on the bed.

Before I continue, I need to jump back to how my roommate got the nickname "the ghost."

Remember how I said that throughout the day I had been going up to the room to see if he had checked-in yet? Well every time I went up there, his stuff was never in the room... but there was always something missing.

I would come back down to the group and they would ask, "roommate yet" and I would have to say, "no... but all of the liquor is gone out of the mini-bar." Then the next time I went up there was something missing out of the bathroom...

       Side note: when I walked into the room the first time (when I checked in) , I had to pee (like you really want to hear this, but I'm telling you anyways) - when I went to wash my hands after (yes folks, I actually wash my hands after I use the restroom unlike some of y'all nasty lil crusty-handed crack monkeys) - the box I initially picked up was not filled with soap. It was too thin.

     I am not going to tell you what it is... I am just going to tell you what name was printed on it...and let you guess. I flipped over the little square-ish box to see the name, "Jissbon" printed on the back.

Any guesses?

Any?

     Well... let's just say I instantly was questioning what the hell kinda hotel I was in... I hope they are not charging by the hour... I'm gonna be here for 3 nights!!

Did you figure it out yet?

If not... well.... bless your little heart!

So another time I go up... the "mystery" box is gone... and the room smelled like cigarette smoke...

So the last time I went down...

"Roommate yet?"

I could only answer with, "his ghost is there... and apparently having a grand time because the mystery package is missing out of the the bathroom, the liquor is all used up... and it smells like cigarette smoke... so SOMEONE is enjoying themselves!

Back to after the reception...

I was in the room... just started to drift off...

Enter the roommate!

I introduced myself... told him the joke... passed out...

I know - not that interesting... but if you were there... trust me... this would have been entertaining!

The following days in Beijing were filled with great times. Good lectures, and some... well... not so great! We had some great food... Peking Duck (did you know that it takes 4 days to prepare the duck), had some of the best jasmine milk tea at a place we ate at for lunch one day...This is a fun story too!

So our smaller group had a short time to eat for lunch before we headed to... somewhere... at this point I don't remember... I just know we are in Beijing... we are at a major area of shopping... and we have a short time. So we go up to the 4th or 5th floor (this is not important to the story, so I didn't pay much attention) and we walk into the first place that looks decent.

We sit down....

We are looking at the menu...

I bust out laughing. If you know me, then you know when I say I BUST out laughing... it is just that... the entire restaurant turns and looks at me. I would have been embarrassed, but I was way too into the reason I was laughing.

I look in the corner of the menu. I then close the menu....

I can not stop laughing...

I turn and look at the Egyptian delegate... and just point...

The name...

Even now that I am writing this I am cracking up...

Chef Hung Noodle.

Yes.... I ate a place named Chef Hung Noodle!

Hung...

Noodle...

Well... I found it funny!!

Beijing got me in trouble.

On one of our breakout sessions in our smaller delegations myself and the delegate from Egypt made the comment about us being adventurous and the fact we were going to eat scorpions... I think we were joking... at least I pseudo-was! Fast forward to one of the nights when we went down the road with crazy food (check out my Facebook to see pictures)... before I know it I hear... MYKE...HERE ARE YOUR SCORPIONS!!

Really?

Seriously?

Of course since I had said it... I HAD to do it. I am after all a man of my word. At least in front of 45 delegates from around the world! I mean... America was already embarrassing itself with some of the delegates we had there... I had to redeem our name... I had to... eat... the... scorpions.

So I did.....

And surprisingly... it was really good. I would eat them again no questions asked!

In addition to all the fun things I ate (which let me tell you Chinese food in China... AH-MAY-ZING) I was lucky enough to see some amazing things in Beijing as well.

Our group went to Tiananmen Square. Now when I thought about Tiananmen Square... I was like... ok... a square that some stuff went down in. (Still to this day it is a taboo subject to talk about over there... rather interesting) Standing in the center of this square though was rather interesting.

I believe this was the first time that it really hit me that I was in China. The size of this place was incredible. It was HUGE! The people... SO MANY! The monuments and buildings surrounding it... and the backdrop of the square... the Forbidden City. Which we got to see a small bit of as well.

We enter under the picture of Mao.

Of course this is after fighting through mobs of people screaming, "ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH" while shoving all kinds of touristy crap in our face... After a few days in China... I had dreams that all they were was the words.. ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH!!

The best part about the Forbidden City was when a man almost knocked himself out by leaning into a window... that was obviously there... and he looked at the window like, "where did that come from."

This was another moment when I couldn't control my laughter... I tried, and literally had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to walk away... I didn't even get to see that exhibit that was there because I was laughing so bad. People thought something else happened because they thought I was crying because I was holding in my laughter... I was proud of myself. Although I only was able to hold it for long enough to walk away and into the center of the courtyard ... which just made it more obvious that something had happened because my face was WET with tears... but dammit... it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen!

In addition to the fun places... I was surrounded by people... and we all know how much I love... and sometimes hate people! It was great!

My group met a ninja. Now I know what you are saying... Myke... are you back to sniffing those dry erase markers soaked in powdered crack and dipped in opium glazed in meth?

Yes I am... but that has nothing to do with this story... we truly met a ninja!!

We went into a "BuyNow"... yes it was called that... YOU BUY NOWWWW............

ONE DOLLAH!!!

We walked in... and let's just say that they are like hounds and we are their prey because 400 people jump out... ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH!!! CAMALAH....BIDEO...CD..DBD...DBD??

Our Queen (see the previous post about forming our country) needed another card for her camera... so I told one lady.. and she said 3rd floor...

We go DIRECTLY to the escalator... once we are to the top... She is there.... WAITING!!!

"Dis way preeeez!"

How the hell did she get up there that quick?

Does she have a twin?

A secret passage...

Or...

Or...

The most obvious....

SHE IS A NINJA!!!!

Later on in the day I was insulted by one of the delegates... who became known as my "stalker"... (many stalker stories to come....but fair warning... that is a scary bit!)

We were sitting and eating and she managed to find her way to my side... which became a very ANNOYING pattern throughout the remainder of the trip. I tried to be nice...but all the powers of Buddha, Ganesha, Jeebus and Allah 'nem did not have da SKRENF TA MEK ME SKRONG!!! It was annoying! In a country of almost 1.4 BILLION people... if I was piled under 700,000 of them... she managed to find me.... WHY LAWD WHY!!!!

We were sitting at Beijing Foreign Studies University after our lecture and tour with our guide named Dorothy... complete with a checkered dress... and believe me... we were NOT in Kansas! Although at this point I wished a tornado would come and take me away from this Stalking Witch of the West. "I'll get you my linguist... and your underwear too!"

She looks over at me and says, "wait... you're STILL working on your undergraduate degree."

"Yea... why?"

"I was under the impression that you were MUCH older than me."

I had to give her just a wee-bit-a-side-eye.

"Excuse me?... How old are you?"

At this point I don't remember what she said... NOR ... do I really give a burning turd in hell how old she r is... but the point is... she was young...

Then it slipped out... I kinda asked for it myself...

"Why do you ask..."

Why lord why... I HAD to ask her...

Have there ever been a time when you literally saw the words fall off of your tongue one letter at a time and your mind is say, "no no no no no no rewind rewind!!! JUST KIDDING... I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO SAY THAT...."

Well that was my moment... why? Because she TOLD me!

"Well usually people of your age..." ok... hold the fuck up... OF MY AGE? Who am I Methuselah? What am I 1,000 years old? Did I build the Great Wall of China? Do I have but a few breaths left before I meet my maker (which would make sense I am in China... and everything after all IS made in China... so it kinda does make sense)....

Let's just say from that point forward... I tried to avoid her at ALL costs... not like I wasn't trying to in the first place... but NOW... I wasn't going to be polite about it!

Do not worry... there will be MANY more encounters... so stay tuned!

I believe this post has rambled on long enough... And the talking about the Stalker is making me have to go close all my blinds, double lock my doors...

What will happen in the next post?

Will the Stalker end up breaking into Myke's hotel room and stealing all his underwear....

Will Myke end up with super powers from the scorpions he ate....

Who will be the next person shot on China's Got Talen.... oops... wrong announcement AGAIN!

"If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people" ~ Chinese Proverb

The Check-In... To Insanity!

So where did I leave off... oh yeah! I was in the Beijing airport like a homeless crack-monkey surrounded by farting locals...

Once daylight came, I was able to get over to the other terminal (the only way to get there is by bus - which does not run between certain times - way to go Beijing!).

While I am walking around the airport waiting to find the group I am meeting so I am able to "check-in" I notice that I am not the only non-Chinese person.  It is amazing how people interact with each other when you are both the "odd-man-out." Every time we passed each other, we would exchange looks which in my little made-up crazy world said, "watchu doin' here Willis?" Neither of us brave or bold enough to simply talk to the other person... we just kept passing each other while we were walking aimlessly around terminal 3 in the Beijing airport. Turns out, we are both on the same program... imagine that! 

I finally am able to check-in with the diplomacy group I am there for.

I go to where the taxis are... almost got scammed... but I don't care how early you got up, I guarantee you did not arrive earlier and spend enough time in a fart-infested, snot-rocket shooting, looka-like-a-man room that I did! The early Chinese Scamming Taxi Driver does NOT always get the American worm.... wait.... that could be taken in so many different ways... let's move on before I take this down a "ho" nutha road! 

I find a cab driver that reminds me of my mother... well if my mother was 2 feet taller, Chinese, spoke very little English, had a crust-stache (which could have just been built up smog and cigarette smoke)... but other than that - TOTALLY my mother! She had HUGE sunglasses (anyone that knows my mother knows if the sunglasses are smaller than a welding mask... they are WAY too small); she had so many bangles on she sounded like a wind chime when she walked (when I heard this, I thought my mother had followed me to China); her nails were long and "did" with fancy designs, diamonds, gold, glitter; and she had on huge earrings (once again if anyone knows my mother, anything smaller than  sparkling wind chimed covered windmill complete with miniature wildebeest running on a treadmill made of platinum and shiny chrome would be entirely too small and not loud enough)... and to top it off...she was loud (I do not think I need explanation here... anyone I am the spawn of HAS to be loud after all... hello.... its ME). 

This was the perfect time for me to practice my Mandarin... so I do! Thank god I did... this woman was SO impressed with me that she turned off the meter. For the entire hour and half ride to my hotel, I was charged roughly $8. We chatted on the way... I had lovededed her alla my days! She was the start of a promising GREAT adventure! 

Once I arrived to the hotel, I was a little more at ease. I am sure I still stunk to high heaven... but it's not from my doings. I can only do so many "ho-baths." If you don't know what a ho bath is... I suggest you send me a private message and ask me for my private lesson titled:  HO BATH 101 - HOS ON THE GO- KEEP IT CLEAN FO SHO! 

After I was checked-in to the hotel, I managed to meet a few of the fellow delegates. By this point most people have started to form groups and most had a general idea of who their roommates were. It was at this group I ran into the first of what would become part of my group.... more on that later! Meanwhile, I went up to my room... no roomie yet.  

Somewhere in the middle of this day I ran into a delegate from Egypt. She would eventually become my co-conspirator for what later (and by later I mean a few hours after we met) would eventually become the co-founder of a business, and co-ruler of our new country we "formed." Can you say that fatigue was getting the best of us. I will explain more about 50/50 Holy Water and the country of Theicountrei later. 

While out exploring around the hotel, our newly formed group (still no roommate... he had become known as "the ghost"... I will tell you about that soon enough.... patience my friends... patience) noticed that there was a very interesting store. It had a bull head... and it said "BULL" in English, and then some Chinese characters... well - since the content of its store were... well... just a bunch of shit (not literally, I do feel I have to point this out because some people would surely believe that in China they would have store with actual piles of shit on the shelves.... "oh look... turkey shit, I have always wanted a pile of that... no wait... panda shit... this shit is awesome! I want this... no wait...."). Our Egyptian queen coined the phrase of the day as we turned another corner, and there was another one of these stores, "why are there so many Bullshit Stores." 

Something else we noticed was that there was at LEAST one spa on every corner.

Right....

A "spa"........

On a corner.........

Like a "ho-stand"..........

::::side-eye::::.... You ain't foolin' nobody China. That is a straight-up ho-shop! 

"Yu rike cleen guhl? Wachu rike tah guhl, shoht guhl, fat guhl,skinny guhl...wachu riiiiiiiike...ONE DOLLAHHHHH?"

We were all VERY tired. If you can't tell by the actions already... Sadly it was pointless to go to sleep. It was the middle of the day, and we all had a reception dinner to attend later that evening. If any of us went to sleep... guaranteed we were not coming to that dinner. So we sat around and acted in our deliriousness! A lot of us really wanted something to help wake us up.

We decided to go to this place (which later became known as Janet/Janice/Jade's Place... this story will not be told on here... so do not stay tuned for that story... just know that this is the place I am talking about when I mention Janet/Janice/Jade's Place). 

Hooray! A time for me to practice my Mandarin again! "Ni men you kafei? Wo men yao he kafei ba." He smiled big at first and answered, "wo men mei you (we don't have)"... So I told the group... I asked them if they were ok with tea... I mean this is after all China. We must drink tea while in China... no? "Ni men you cha ma?"....

You know that time... when you are sure you just crammed your foot so far in your mouth you think you have swallowed your leg... well I was standing there.  The look on this man's face told me I just really messed up my tones... I KNOW I had the words right... perhaps just not the tones. He started to yell (I will put the English)... YES... YES WE HAVE TEA!!! BUT YOU NO DRINK THE TEA... YOU COME HERE... YOU COME HERE DRINK THE BEER... BEER.... BOTTLE BEER.... BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!

So I did say it right... point for me! 

But all I have to say is...alright homie... I think YOU should have a beer! CALM DOWN... CALM DOWN... CALM.....DO...WN!

The group I was with was a little rattled by this, because he was screaming over the top of the lungs... (I do not mean at the top of HIS lungs, I mean THE lungs, because there was someone sitting between him and us that looked like they were eating lungs... so lets just go with it to make this story a little more interesting, and perhaps slightly more humorous).

Thank god he was joking, and just happened to be a very loud man... no matter what he said! 

We went in- had a pot of tea- $3US. 

God I love China! 

Once we made it back to the hotel, we all sat around waiting for this damn reception dinner. We found hidden passageways in the hotel... ok, maybe not hidden passageways, but dammit when you are as tired as we were... a housekeeping closet can double as a secret passage. We found paintings that had glitter on them... this is a true statement... actually... this too could be from the fatigue. but once again... it had glitter... it was fascinating... and we liked it... so if you don't like it... then I don't know what to tell you... I have nothing for ya!

I pop up to my room real quick. (As quick as a one legged sloth in quicksand can walk)

Still no roommate. 

After I return to my group of newly formed friends... we... ok...I... start to plot. (A tired mind is a dangerous thing)

What kind of trick can I play on my roommate? 

I initially thought it would be fun to completely rearrange the room...

nah...

That mess takes energy. Something I was not in possession of at that time... (or at this time now that I mention it)... but I digress.....

Then it came to me... no wait... that was something else..... I can't remember...

Or can I......

What happens next? You ask...

What will Myke do?

:::trumpet fanfare:::

Will Myke's roommate ever show up?

Will Lassie ever get Timmy from the well... sorry... wrong announcement!!

Well you will have to wait and see...(about the roommate situation and the remainder of my time in Beijing... not Lassie....)

I will continue in my next blog... 

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" ~ Dalai Lama

The Beginning of Buuuu Keee Yiiiii

Okay, so I have been back in the US long enough to settle and decide that I both hated and loved China.  Now before you start jumping to conclusions… let me explain… because there really wasn’t apart of “China” that I hated… you will have to read more to find out what I am talking about.  

People who have not been to China probably have a vision of China much like I did… which I sadly admit… I was wrong.

Yep… there you go folks!! You actually have seen me put in print that I was wrong. However, I would like to point out the tense of that verb… please notice it is past… WAS… meaning it happened… it is a completed action…  it is… no longer the case!

So… I am back to being right again…. Ok ok ok – at least in my little world.

People have been asking me… what is China like? The truth of the matter, there is no time to really tell you in one posting (or honestly ever... you have to experience it yourself). Therefore I am going to break it down into a few parts. This one is going to be simply my first impressions and my arrival.

From the start, China is incredible… in fact it is such a unique place that I will be introducing new words and phrases I use/created to simply to attempt to convey my impressions of it.

Wondermous… definition: So glorious and full of wonder.

The sites, the adventures, the people, the smells (we will get to that later on – trust me – that section is not for the weak stomached… I promise you I will describe it in the best way I can without packing the aroma deep inside your nostrils so that it tingles your little crispy nose hairs).

My trip was packed with adventure from the time I landed. Since I was unable to check into the hotel until the following morning. I had booked a dayroom in the airport online.

Well according to little Kung Fu princess I casually named Wu Tang… my dayroom that I booked at the airport was “no a-vay-rable…bye bye” and literally pushes me out… with BOTH hands. Wait a minute skank! WAIT A MINUTE!!

You’re going to tell me I made a reservation, and basically was trapped in the air long enough to meet a small village, deliver 52 illegitimate babies, raise 26 ½ as my own (the other 25 ½ were simply too whiny and ugly for me to consider them mine), retire, die, be reincarnated…as the same person… (reincarnation… it’s a scam I tell you)… then when I finally am on the ground again my tired ass is told I have no where to sleep.

Holler-frickin-looyer!! 

So what do I do you ask? What any adventure seeking brave soul would do! I say, “fuck it” and sleep in the airport. I find me a very comfortable lumpy bench. YAY!! I love sleeping on what feels like a sack of lumpy rice and chicken bones!

Only thing is… I can’t sleep. So I sit up and play a game on my Kindle.

Before I continue...I need to give a little background on where I am sitting/laying. It is prime real estate let me tell you.

Prime real estate minus the fact it is a lumpy bench. But prime real estate is all location location location….right?!?!

Well the bench... and the fact that they had CHAIN locked the bathrooms. Yes, with a freaking chain. And I had to pee like a 9 dicked donkey after a competitive diuretic drinking contest…

Well, the bench, the chained bathrooms, and the loud crazy lady who was wearing her bra on the outside of her shirt (way to make a fashion statement Beijing)…

Oh...or the lady that had not only one finger shoved up her nose… but a finger from each hand… one in each nostril! Talk about multi-tasking…

Yeah so other than the bench, the chained bathrooms, the loud bra lady, the double digging booger hooker, and the fact that the sunrises at 4am in Beijing this time of the year…

Or the fact that people do not believe in covering their mouths when they sneeze, cough, and feel it okay to just “hock-a-loogy” whenever they want…. Where ever they want… even if it’s right in front of you…

Ok ok ok ok…. So the location SUCKED... like a snaggle-toothed crack whore on a Friday before she had to pay her pimp!

But dammit, I was determined to make it a good trip!

Now back to my game…

I sit up. I should probably also point out that the room I am sitting in is quite large. The perimeter of the room -  less one side -  has benches against the wall. There are two people sleeping on a bench across the room from me. A… lady......

Maybe?...?....?

Hmm.....

Perhaps a man….

Perhaps both?

Who knows, I just know that when I looked at shim when s/he was walking to get something to drink – there was a mustache, one boob and they (I guess that’s the safest pronoun to use here) were wearing a pseudo-dress and a head wrap. Whether it was male, female or both… Let’s just say they were not that fortunate in the looks department. I predict from the looks of their face, the family in which they were raised more than likely used his/her face as the plow….

.......more than likely to break apart asphalt.

Yeah… not fortunate looking at all!

Ok … so the Plowdabeest and a guy about my age on the other side… and me. That is all. No one else is in this big, spacious room.

Enter two older men.

Where do they sit?

Across the room where there is plenty of room… nope!

“Oh, oh, I know, I know,” you are saying! “They sit where there is a complete wall full of empty benches!”

NOPE!!!

They plant their happy asses right next to me. And when I say right next to me, I do not mean… if I stretched my body out, I would almost touch them. I mean NEXT to me.

Smell their breath next to me.

See the veins in their eyes next to me.

Count the lice in their hair next to me.

And as if that was not bad enough, he starts looking over my shoulder watching me play my game.

“Um, bashooze me… do I know you? I do... not… think…so….”

Then he farts.

I am not making this up!

My mouth to the God’s ears…. My promise… not his fart!!

I slowly turn my head and look at him. I am not believing this shit… well... that being said I was hoping it was not shit… but you follow me!

So this is how my first 8 hours were spent Beijing.

All I can say is… “Wercome to China!”

To be continued………..

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." ~ Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

Calming the Angry Voices

Have you ever opened your eyes and realized you were not on the right side of the bed immediately… well, this morning – HOW YOU DURIN?  That is exactly what happened to me.

Lately, this has slowly become a popular theme – I have no clue why. Well I do know why, I just never address it, why – because I’m too nice of a guy I guess.

I think life is taking its toll on me. I know that in eastern philosophies like Hinduism and Buddhism say “compassion can conquer all evils”, and Christianity says “love thy neighbor”, Islam preaches the importance being charitable; Judaism that ,”the things on this earth are good, and together they are very good”… and Rastafarianism, "Let’s smoke dis shit.” Right now, I am thinking of becoming a Rastafarian. Too bad I do not smoke weed, because if I did – today would be the day that I would be so high that Snoop Dogg would actually be looking UP to see me. That is how high I would be.

I am over people.

I find it so amazing how selfish people are. Even as I write this I am verifying it because my reasoning behind my thoughts are just that, selfish. But I think everyone needs to be selfish SOMETIME in order to look after their selves… now, is simply MY time.  It kills me to say it too because I truly feel that I try to be selfless 99% of the time. Apparently for most, that is not enough. And I am truly getting tired of it.

I do not know if it is simply the area, or the “season of my life I am in” (to quote my mother) But people really SUCK!

Now before some of my readers get their panties, thongs, granny panties, boxers, boxer briefs, g-strings, or simply their “going commando” nuts and coochies all up in a bunch… please note that just because this post is about “selfishness” – it is not necessarily about YOU! (But then again, it very well may be you selfish mother fucka!)

This is going to be the downfall of mankind… selfishness, not going commando for those of you whom are wondering. I think if more people went commando, they would probably be less uptight, but I will save that for another post.

We constantly are worrying about ourselves that we never see the pain and suffering, or hell, even the joys of someone else.

Here is a little experiment I want you to perform.

Wait… don’t take your drawz off – remember I said that will be for another posting… we’re still talking about selfishness, not all your junk blowin, flappin, or slappin in the breeze.

The next time you are talking to someone (someone besides a close friend) just pay attention to how many times they use “me” or “I.” In addition to that, look at how long it takes them to ask you something about yourself. What percentage of the conversation is about them, and what percentage is about random stuff?

I have been mentally conducting this experiment for the last few months. Speaking of it… no wonder I have been in such a shit mood lately.

I have found that there are very few people that actually “care” about what is going on in my life. And I say that not because I am on a “woe is my, my life sucks” path.

Fuck that! I actually am in one of the best places I have ever been in my life (not “locationally” which I believe is not even a word). 

However, regardless (or I should say irregardless simply because I think its funny to see people’s faces when other people use it)it is taxing when I realize how selfish people are … especially people who consider themselves close to me.  What the fuck does that even mean?

“I consider you as one of my closest and dearest friends.” Now as a linguist I really take into consideration words. Well, to be honest I spell for shit, but it’s not how the word looks, it’s what it means – we’ll just go with that for now.

Back to the word “consider.” One of the meanings means to “make allowance for.” So what you are telling me is – you are “making allowance for me” to be your friend. Ok, ok, ok … I know that the other definitions have to do with thinking carefully; bear in mind, but we are not focusing on that meaning… I want to focus on THIS meaning at the moment.

Do you have to really ‘make allowance’ for friends? Not that I have ever encountered. Making allowance is something you do, say, when you have a new puppy. And usually those things are things that do not have good “feelings” behind it.

“That little bastard shit on my floor again…but considering he’s a puppy, it's ok… bless his little heart.”

Now the true meaning of it comes from the Latin comsidus (to set alongside of the stars) – which would make sense if you are talking about “considering” yourself one of my friends… because yes, you would be alongside a star… ME.

Great… now not only am I selfish… I am an egotistical condescending asshole.  See what these people are doing to me.

:::sigh::::

In spite of all the nasty folks that seem to inch their way into my life (I’m talking bout the evil nasty, not the freak-nasty gutter minded people who I enjoy being around because they seem to understand my warped sense of humor), I refuse to stop being a good person. I will continue to do what I do as a friend, lover, son, brother, student, employee, and crack dealer… ok the last one was a joke for those members of the government who are trying to be coy…

I just hope that everyone who reads this will take a moment out of their selfishness and try to look at the things that other people do for you. Even if it is as simple as giving you the bigger cookie when there is only two left… it’s sadly the little unseen things that mean the most. And just like those things – when that person is unseen (or dead) you will realize how much they contributed to your very own selfish little utopia you live in.

“Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.” (Kahlil Gibran 1883-1931)

Detoxing the Craziness of Nothing

Wow, I guess I suck at keeping promises. I read some of my last blogs which I do occasionally to remind me that I really am not only crazy, but… well… ok I’m crazy. There is no other way to put it. But the point is I said I would stay a little more consistent with my blogs… guess I was wrong then wasn’t I! I do have reasoning behind why it is I have not though.

I am still going through a bit of “detox” from taking 24 credits in one semester. That is 8 classes, of which 4 of them were foreign languages… different ones at that. Chinese, Arabic, French and German. If you are asking yourself why… please refer to the comment about craziness in the above paragraph.

In addition to this, I also got a new job. No more crazy people at Lowes. I sometimes miss the stupidity, because now – I am the stupid person at work. I work for an extension of University of Pennsylvania’s Linguistics Department. Needless to say everyone I work with is WAY smarter than I am! But I really enjoy it. It forces me to
“smarten-up!”

Now I am counting down to my trip to China. It’s well overdue! It is funny once you have worked in jobs where you travel so much! Travel gets in your blood and when you haven’t traveled for a while, you almost become depressed. The excitement of the change in pace, the new sites, sounds, smell. I miss it! I truly truly miss it! And all this time on my hands, now that I am not studying, is really reminding me how stationary my life is now.

It is funny how when you have so many classes how you have no time to really think about anything but your next test. I now see why it is people go to school when they are young. Not saying I am old… just saying that at 33 – I don’t really recover from an all-nighter of studying as well as I used to!

I sadly don’t have much more to say other than hopefully I will have something interesting to write about in my next blog. Who wants to hear about school… BORING!!!! Other than my Social Problems class – that was filled with crack-monkeys, whores and ignunt assholes! (I have to cuss at least once in my blog, otherwise it wouldn’t be me) I look forward to more blogs – at more consistent intervals!

“Rest in reason; move in passion.” ~ Khalil Gibran (1883-1931)

Touch Base - then run!

hmmm... you probably thought I forgot about y'all. Well I didn't. The only problem is... I have been so freaking busy since my last update.

I know I know - "I'm busy too." I get it, but moving on!

So I finally finished my semester at school. 18 Credits. Complete. All As and one... yes ONE freaking B+. I was so pissed, so close to an A and the bastard wouldn't give it to me. Oh well. My overall GPA is still a 3.83 so I guess thats not too shabby!

Let's see - what else? I am still working my miserable part-time job. You know the one I loved at first. It has become so boring. No challenge, and physical. The last thing I want to do is load pallets and pallets of block in 20 degree weather after I have done a crap load of research. Meanwhile - it will have to do until I finish up my next semester... if I survive it.

I will be taking 24 credit hours. Yep, you read it right, 24 credit hours. 8 classes. Please pass the crack-pipe!!! I am excited about it though! I will be studying all 4 of the languages my concentration for my major is in, so it will be very confusing and exciting! So if my next update for my blog is not 100 percent in English (like they ever are) - just give me a break, my mind isn't functioning entirely anymore.

I really don't have that much to say - life is pretty good.

I went through a little depression there for a little bit. I think the reality of the move finally set in. I miss flying terribly - I miss my friends terribly - and I miss my family terribly. I have made a couple of friends here, but it is very hard. It is hard to meet people here. Apparently people never leave - or travel. I know people in my one class I had that have never even left the state of Pennsylvania. WOW!! And the best part about it - they know EVERYTHING about how the world works... just ask them! They will tell you how the muslims are taking over the world - and the blacks now have the right to vote - so now the gays want for normal people to say its ok for them to spread their sin and get married...(true story, I actually heard a guy talking about this shit in the sauna the other day at the gym - except he wasn't so nice as to say "blacks" or "gays" - let's just say I am surprised I kept my cool and didn't end up arrested) He topped it all off by saying something about how it was where he lives. As soon as he said the city, I kinda calmed down. I realized that as much as I could have tried, you can not shine shit. Some things will just be shit until the day they are buried... much like cat shit.

I have met a couple people. I still stay pretty close with the first lady I ever met here - sitting on the couch before our algebra class. Our class "MILF!" She spent turkey day at our place and in return - christmas was at hers! Now I am trying to play match-maker for her child and another friend that I have met (who is now away finishing their last semester). But oh well... the semester is starting up, and I will be back focused on my schooling. I will get to see my school friends again- which is cool.

Its funny though to see the differences in mind-sets in the people I have met up here. I don't know if its me, or just the culture up here - I guess I'll get used to it. As long as I don't turn out the way some have - I'll be ok!

Also - some good news - which I am sure a lot of you know this already because you follow me on Facebook - but I finally released my first album. I have only sold 3 so far - but hey- its 3 more albums than I sold before!

Thats pretty much all I can think of at the moment. I know this was a boring blog. I just wanted to come here and give a quick update so that I can get into the swing of things again. Hopefully I will be able to do a little more updating during the semester.

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy things." ~ Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)