Okay, so I have been back in the US long enough to settle
and decide that I both hated and loved China.
Now before you start jumping to conclusions… let me explain… because
there really wasn’t apart of “China” that I hated… you will have to read more
to find out what I am talking about.
People who have not been to China probably have a vision of
China much like I did… which I sadly admit… I was wrong.
Yep… there you go folks!! You actually have seen me put in
print that I was wrong. However, I would like to point out the tense of that
verb… please notice it is past… WAS… meaning it happened… it is a completed
action… it is… no longer the case!
So… I am back to being right again…. Ok ok ok – at least in
my little world.
People have been asking me… what is China like? The truth of
the matter, there is no time to really tell you in one posting (or honestly ever... you have to experience it yourself). Therefore I am
going to break it down into a few parts. This one is going to be simply my first impressions and my arrival.
From the start, China is incredible… in fact it is such a unique place that I
will be introducing new words and phrases I use/created to simply to attempt to convey my
impressions of it.
Wondermous… definition: So glorious and full of wonder.
The sites, the adventures, the people, the smells (we will
get to that later on – trust me – that section is not for the weak stomached… I
promise you I will describe it in the best way I can without packing the aroma
deep inside your nostrils so that it tingles your little crispy nose hairs).
My trip was packed with adventure from the time I landed. Since
I was unable to check into the hotel until the following morning. I had booked
a dayroom in the airport online.
Well according to little Kung Fu princess I casually named Wu Tang… my dayroom that I
booked at the airport was “no a-vay-rable…bye bye” and literally pushes me out…
with BOTH hands. Wait a minute skank! WAIT A MINUTE!!
You’re going to tell me I made a reservation, and basically
was trapped in the air long enough to meet a small village, deliver 52
illegitimate babies, raise 26 ½ as my own (the other 25 ½ were simply too whiny
and ugly for me to consider them mine), retire, die, be reincarnated…as the
same person… (reincarnation… it’s a scam I tell you)… then when I finally am on
the ground again my tired ass is told I have no where to sleep.
Holler-frickin-looyer!!
So what do I do you ask? What any adventure seeking brave
soul would do! I say, “fuck it” and sleep in the airport. I find me a very
comfortable lumpy bench. YAY!! I love sleeping on what feels like a sack of
lumpy rice and chicken bones!
Only thing is… I can’t sleep. So I sit up and play a game on
my Kindle.
Before I continue...I need to give a little background on where I am
sitting/laying. It is prime real estate let me tell you.
Prime real estate minus the fact it is a lumpy bench. But prime real estate is
all location location location….right?!?!
Well the bench... and the fact that they had CHAIN locked the
bathrooms. Yes, with a freaking chain. And I had to pee like a 9 dicked donkey
after a competitive diuretic drinking contest…
Well, the bench, the chained bathrooms, and the loud crazy lady who was wearing her bra
on the outside of her shirt (way to make a fashion statement Beijing)…
Oh...or the lady that had not only one finger shoved up her nose…
but a finger from each hand… one in each nostril! Talk about multi-tasking…
Yeah so other than the bench, the chained bathrooms, the loud bra lady, the double digging booger hooker, and the fact that the sunrises at 4am in Beijing this time of
the year…
Or the fact that people do not believe in covering their
mouths when they sneeze, cough, and feel it okay to just “hock-a-loogy”
whenever they want…. Where ever they want… even if it’s right in front of you…
Ok ok ok ok…. So the location SUCKED... like a snaggle-toothed crack
whore on a Friday before she had to pay her pimp!
But dammit, I was determined to make it a good trip!
Now back to my game…
I sit up. I should probably also point out that the room I am
sitting in is quite large. The perimeter of the room - less one side - has benches
against the wall. There are two people sleeping on a bench across the room from
me. A… lady......
Maybe?...?....?
Hmm.....
Maybe?...?....?
Hmm.....
Perhaps a man….
Perhaps both?
Who knows, I just know that when I looked at shim when s/he
was walking to get something to drink – there was a mustache, one boob and they
(I guess that’s the safest pronoun to use here) were wearing a pseudo-dress and
a head wrap. Whether it was male, female or both… Let’s just say they were not
that fortunate in the looks department. I predict from the looks of their face,
the family in which they were raised more than likely used his/her face as the
plow….
.......more than likely to break apart asphalt.
.......more than likely to break apart asphalt.
Yeah… not fortunate looking at all!
Ok … so the Plowdabeest and a guy about my age on the other side…
and me. That is all. No one else is in this big, spacious room.
Enter two older men.
Where do they sit?
Across the room where there is plenty of room… nope!
“Oh, oh, I know, I know,” you are saying! “They sit where
there is a complete wall full of empty benches!”
NOPE!!!
They plant their happy asses right next to me. And when I
say right next to me, I do not mean… if I stretched my body out, I would almost touch
them. I mean NEXT to me.
Smell their breath next to me.
See the veins in their eyes next to me.
Count the lice in their hair next to me.
And as if that was not bad enough, he starts looking over my
shoulder watching me play my game.
“Um, bashooze me… do I know you? I do... not… think…so….”
Then he farts.
I am not making this up!
My mouth to the God’s ears…. My promise… not his fart!!
I slowly turn my head and look at him. I am not believing
this shit… well... that being said I was hoping it was not shit… but you follow me!
So this is how my first 8 hours were spent Beijing.
All I can say is… “Wercome to China!”
To be continued………..
No comments:
Post a Comment