ONE DOLLAH, ONE DOLLAH...STALKER ALERT

To jump straight to the point... is something that I try not to do! So why start now?

I know you are anxious to see if my roommate ever shows up. You know he does... so what is the hurry? Too many people rush things in life... calm down and enjoy it!

But since you are being impatient... I will start...

Let me see... where did I leave off? Oh yeah... fatigue had moved in... decided to build permanent campsite inside the gelatinous (I love that word) connection of fibers people refer to as my brain.

By the time we got to the reception dinner... I am not sure if I was drooling from hunger... or from being tired... my guess is the latter of the two... but who am I?

So if my memory serves me correct... and bless its little heart it usually does. After dinner I went back to my room and passed out on the bed.

Before I continue, I need to jump back to how my roommate got the nickname "the ghost."

Remember how I said that throughout the day I had been going up to the room to see if he had checked-in yet? Well every time I went up there, his stuff was never in the room... but there was always something missing.

I would come back down to the group and they would ask, "roommate yet" and I would have to say, "no... but all of the liquor is gone out of the mini-bar." Then the next time I went up there was something missing out of the bathroom...

       Side note: when I walked into the room the first time (when I checked in) , I had to pee (like you really want to hear this, but I'm telling you anyways) - when I went to wash my hands after (yes folks, I actually wash my hands after I use the restroom unlike some of y'all nasty lil crusty-handed crack monkeys) - the box I initially picked up was not filled with soap. It was too thin.

     I am not going to tell you what it is... I am just going to tell you what name was printed on it...and let you guess. I flipped over the little square-ish box to see the name, "Jissbon" printed on the back.

Any guesses?

Any?

     Well... let's just say I instantly was questioning what the hell kinda hotel I was in... I hope they are not charging by the hour... I'm gonna be here for 3 nights!!

Did you figure it out yet?

If not... well.... bless your little heart!

So another time I go up... the "mystery" box is gone... and the room smelled like cigarette smoke...

So the last time I went down...

"Roommate yet?"

I could only answer with, "his ghost is there... and apparently having a grand time because the mystery package is missing out of the the bathroom, the liquor is all used up... and it smells like cigarette smoke... so SOMEONE is enjoying themselves!

Back to after the reception...

I was in the room... just started to drift off...

Enter the roommate!

I introduced myself... told him the joke... passed out...

I know - not that interesting... but if you were there... trust me... this would have been entertaining!

The following days in Beijing were filled with great times. Good lectures, and some... well... not so great! We had some great food... Peking Duck (did you know that it takes 4 days to prepare the duck), had some of the best jasmine milk tea at a place we ate at for lunch one day...This is a fun story too!

So our smaller group had a short time to eat for lunch before we headed to... somewhere... at this point I don't remember... I just know we are in Beijing... we are at a major area of shopping... and we have a short time. So we go up to the 4th or 5th floor (this is not important to the story, so I didn't pay much attention) and we walk into the first place that looks decent.

We sit down....

We are looking at the menu...

I bust out laughing. If you know me, then you know when I say I BUST out laughing... it is just that... the entire restaurant turns and looks at me. I would have been embarrassed, but I was way too into the reason I was laughing.

I look in the corner of the menu. I then close the menu....

I can not stop laughing...

I turn and look at the Egyptian delegate... and just point...

The name...

Even now that I am writing this I am cracking up...

Chef Hung Noodle.

Yes.... I ate a place named Chef Hung Noodle!

Hung...

Noodle...

Well... I found it funny!!

Beijing got me in trouble.

On one of our breakout sessions in our smaller delegations myself and the delegate from Egypt made the comment about us being adventurous and the fact we were going to eat scorpions... I think we were joking... at least I pseudo-was! Fast forward to one of the nights when we went down the road with crazy food (check out my Facebook to see pictures)... before I know it I hear... MYKE...HERE ARE YOUR SCORPIONS!!

Really?

Seriously?

Of course since I had said it... I HAD to do it. I am after all a man of my word. At least in front of 45 delegates from around the world! I mean... America was already embarrassing itself with some of the delegates we had there... I had to redeem our name... I had to... eat... the... scorpions.

So I did.....

And surprisingly... it was really good. I would eat them again no questions asked!

In addition to all the fun things I ate (which let me tell you Chinese food in China... AH-MAY-ZING) I was lucky enough to see some amazing things in Beijing as well.

Our group went to Tiananmen Square. Now when I thought about Tiananmen Square... I was like... ok... a square that some stuff went down in. (Still to this day it is a taboo subject to talk about over there... rather interesting) Standing in the center of this square though was rather interesting.

I believe this was the first time that it really hit me that I was in China. The size of this place was incredible. It was HUGE! The people... SO MANY! The monuments and buildings surrounding it... and the backdrop of the square... the Forbidden City. Which we got to see a small bit of as well.

We enter under the picture of Mao.

Of course this is after fighting through mobs of people screaming, "ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH" while shoving all kinds of touristy crap in our face... After a few days in China... I had dreams that all they were was the words.. ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH!!

The best part about the Forbidden City was when a man almost knocked himself out by leaning into a window... that was obviously there... and he looked at the window like, "where did that come from."

This was another moment when I couldn't control my laughter... I tried, and literally had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to walk away... I didn't even get to see that exhibit that was there because I was laughing so bad. People thought something else happened because they thought I was crying because I was holding in my laughter... I was proud of myself. Although I only was able to hold it for long enough to walk away and into the center of the courtyard ... which just made it more obvious that something had happened because my face was WET with tears... but dammit... it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen!

In addition to the fun places... I was surrounded by people... and we all know how much I love... and sometimes hate people! It was great!

My group met a ninja. Now I know what you are saying... Myke... are you back to sniffing those dry erase markers soaked in powdered crack and dipped in opium glazed in meth?

Yes I am... but that has nothing to do with this story... we truly met a ninja!!

We went into a "BuyNow"... yes it was called that... YOU BUY NOWWWW............

ONE DOLLAH!!!

We walked in... and let's just say that they are like hounds and we are their prey because 400 people jump out... ONE DOLLAH ONE DOLLAH!!! CAMALAH....BIDEO...CD..DBD...DBD??

Our Queen (see the previous post about forming our country) needed another card for her camera... so I told one lady.. and she said 3rd floor...

We go DIRECTLY to the escalator... once we are to the top... She is there.... WAITING!!!

"Dis way preeeez!"

How the hell did she get up there that quick?

Does she have a twin?

A secret passage...

Or...

Or...

The most obvious....

SHE IS A NINJA!!!!

Later on in the day I was insulted by one of the delegates... who became known as my "stalker"... (many stalker stories to come....but fair warning... that is a scary bit!)

We were sitting and eating and she managed to find her way to my side... which became a very ANNOYING pattern throughout the remainder of the trip. I tried to be nice...but all the powers of Buddha, Ganesha, Jeebus and Allah 'nem did not have da SKRENF TA MEK ME SKRONG!!! It was annoying! In a country of almost 1.4 BILLION people... if I was piled under 700,000 of them... she managed to find me.... WHY LAWD WHY!!!!

We were sitting at Beijing Foreign Studies University after our lecture and tour with our guide named Dorothy... complete with a checkered dress... and believe me... we were NOT in Kansas! Although at this point I wished a tornado would come and take me away from this Stalking Witch of the West. "I'll get you my linguist... and your underwear too!"

She looks over at me and says, "wait... you're STILL working on your undergraduate degree."

"Yea... why?"

"I was under the impression that you were MUCH older than me."

I had to give her just a wee-bit-a-side-eye.

"Excuse me?... How old are you?"

At this point I don't remember what she said... NOR ... do I really give a burning turd in hell how old she r is... but the point is... she was young...

Then it slipped out... I kinda asked for it myself...

"Why do you ask..."

Why lord why... I HAD to ask her...

Have there ever been a time when you literally saw the words fall off of your tongue one letter at a time and your mind is say, "no no no no no no rewind rewind!!! JUST KIDDING... I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO SAY THAT...."

Well that was my moment... why? Because she TOLD me!

"Well usually people of your age..." ok... hold the fuck up... OF MY AGE? Who am I Methuselah? What am I 1,000 years old? Did I build the Great Wall of China? Do I have but a few breaths left before I meet my maker (which would make sense I am in China... and everything after all IS made in China... so it kinda does make sense)....

Let's just say from that point forward... I tried to avoid her at ALL costs... not like I wasn't trying to in the first place... but NOW... I wasn't going to be polite about it!

Do not worry... there will be MANY more encounters... so stay tuned!

I believe this post has rambled on long enough... And the talking about the Stalker is making me have to go close all my blinds, double lock my doors...

What will happen in the next post?

Will the Stalker end up breaking into Myke's hotel room and stealing all his underwear....

Will Myke end up with super powers from the scorpions he ate....

Who will be the next person shot on China's Got Talen.... oops... wrong announcement AGAIN!

"If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people" ~ Chinese Proverb