The Check-In... To Insanity!

So where did I leave off... oh yeah! I was in the Beijing airport like a homeless crack-monkey surrounded by farting locals...

Once daylight came, I was able to get over to the other terminal (the only way to get there is by bus - which does not run between certain times - way to go Beijing!).

While I am walking around the airport waiting to find the group I am meeting so I am able to "check-in" I notice that I am not the only non-Chinese person.  It is amazing how people interact with each other when you are both the "odd-man-out." Every time we passed each other, we would exchange looks which in my little made-up crazy world said, "watchu doin' here Willis?" Neither of us brave or bold enough to simply talk to the other person... we just kept passing each other while we were walking aimlessly around terminal 3 in the Beijing airport. Turns out, we are both on the same program... imagine that! 

I finally am able to check-in with the diplomacy group I am there for.

I go to where the taxis are... almost got scammed... but I don't care how early you got up, I guarantee you did not arrive earlier and spend enough time in a fart-infested, snot-rocket shooting, looka-like-a-man room that I did! The early Chinese Scamming Taxi Driver does NOT always get the American worm.... wait.... that could be taken in so many different ways... let's move on before I take this down a "ho" nutha road! 

I find a cab driver that reminds me of my mother... well if my mother was 2 feet taller, Chinese, spoke very little English, had a crust-stache (which could have just been built up smog and cigarette smoke)... but other than that - TOTALLY my mother! She had HUGE sunglasses (anyone that knows my mother knows if the sunglasses are smaller than a welding mask... they are WAY too small); she had so many bangles on she sounded like a wind chime when she walked (when I heard this, I thought my mother had followed me to China); her nails were long and "did" with fancy designs, diamonds, gold, glitter; and she had on huge earrings (once again if anyone knows my mother, anything smaller than  sparkling wind chimed covered windmill complete with miniature wildebeest running on a treadmill made of platinum and shiny chrome would be entirely too small and not loud enough)... and to top it off...she was loud (I do not think I need explanation here... anyone I am the spawn of HAS to be loud after all... hello.... its ME). 

This was the perfect time for me to practice my Mandarin... so I do! Thank god I did... this woman was SO impressed with me that she turned off the meter. For the entire hour and half ride to my hotel, I was charged roughly $8. We chatted on the way... I had lovededed her alla my days! She was the start of a promising GREAT adventure! 

Once I arrived to the hotel, I was a little more at ease. I am sure I still stunk to high heaven... but it's not from my doings. I can only do so many "ho-baths." If you don't know what a ho bath is... I suggest you send me a private message and ask me for my private lesson titled:  HO BATH 101 - HOS ON THE GO- KEEP IT CLEAN FO SHO! 

After I was checked-in to the hotel, I managed to meet a few of the fellow delegates. By this point most people have started to form groups and most had a general idea of who their roommates were. It was at this group I ran into the first of what would become part of my group.... more on that later! Meanwhile, I went up to my room... no roomie yet.  

Somewhere in the middle of this day I ran into a delegate from Egypt. She would eventually become my co-conspirator for what later (and by later I mean a few hours after we met) would eventually become the co-founder of a business, and co-ruler of our new country we "formed." Can you say that fatigue was getting the best of us. I will explain more about 50/50 Holy Water and the country of Theicountrei later. 

While out exploring around the hotel, our newly formed group (still no roommate... he had become known as "the ghost"... I will tell you about that soon enough.... patience my friends... patience) noticed that there was a very interesting store. It had a bull head... and it said "BULL" in English, and then some Chinese characters... well - since the content of its store were... well... just a bunch of shit (not literally, I do feel I have to point this out because some people would surely believe that in China they would have store with actual piles of shit on the shelves.... "oh look... turkey shit, I have always wanted a pile of that... no wait... panda shit... this shit is awesome! I want this... no wait...."). Our Egyptian queen coined the phrase of the day as we turned another corner, and there was another one of these stores, "why are there so many Bullshit Stores." 

Something else we noticed was that there was at LEAST one spa on every corner.

Right....

A "spa"........

On a corner.........

Like a "ho-stand"..........

::::side-eye::::.... You ain't foolin' nobody China. That is a straight-up ho-shop! 

"Yu rike cleen guhl? Wachu rike tah guhl, shoht guhl, fat guhl,skinny guhl...wachu riiiiiiiike...ONE DOLLAHHHHH?"

We were all VERY tired. If you can't tell by the actions already... Sadly it was pointless to go to sleep. It was the middle of the day, and we all had a reception dinner to attend later that evening. If any of us went to sleep... guaranteed we were not coming to that dinner. So we sat around and acted in our deliriousness! A lot of us really wanted something to help wake us up.

We decided to go to this place (which later became known as Janet/Janice/Jade's Place... this story will not be told on here... so do not stay tuned for that story... just know that this is the place I am talking about when I mention Janet/Janice/Jade's Place). 

Hooray! A time for me to practice my Mandarin again! "Ni men you kafei? Wo men yao he kafei ba." He smiled big at first and answered, "wo men mei you (we don't have)"... So I told the group... I asked them if they were ok with tea... I mean this is after all China. We must drink tea while in China... no? "Ni men you cha ma?"....

You know that time... when you are sure you just crammed your foot so far in your mouth you think you have swallowed your leg... well I was standing there.  The look on this man's face told me I just really messed up my tones... I KNOW I had the words right... perhaps just not the tones. He started to yell (I will put the English)... YES... YES WE HAVE TEA!!! BUT YOU NO DRINK THE TEA... YOU COME HERE... YOU COME HERE DRINK THE BEER... BEER.... BOTTLE BEER.... BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!

So I did say it right... point for me! 

But all I have to say is...alright homie... I think YOU should have a beer! CALM DOWN... CALM DOWN... CALM.....DO...WN!

The group I was with was a little rattled by this, because he was screaming over the top of the lungs... (I do not mean at the top of HIS lungs, I mean THE lungs, because there was someone sitting between him and us that looked like they were eating lungs... so lets just go with it to make this story a little more interesting, and perhaps slightly more humorous).

Thank god he was joking, and just happened to be a very loud man... no matter what he said! 

We went in- had a pot of tea- $3US. 

God I love China! 

Once we made it back to the hotel, we all sat around waiting for this damn reception dinner. We found hidden passageways in the hotel... ok, maybe not hidden passageways, but dammit when you are as tired as we were... a housekeeping closet can double as a secret passage. We found paintings that had glitter on them... this is a true statement... actually... this too could be from the fatigue. but once again... it had glitter... it was fascinating... and we liked it... so if you don't like it... then I don't know what to tell you... I have nothing for ya!

I pop up to my room real quick. (As quick as a one legged sloth in quicksand can walk)

Still no roommate. 

After I return to my group of newly formed friends... we... ok...I... start to plot. (A tired mind is a dangerous thing)

What kind of trick can I play on my roommate? 

I initially thought it would be fun to completely rearrange the room...

nah...

That mess takes energy. Something I was not in possession of at that time... (or at this time now that I mention it)... but I digress.....

Then it came to me... no wait... that was something else..... I can't remember...

Or can I......

What happens next? You ask...

What will Myke do?

:::trumpet fanfare:::

Will Myke's roommate ever show up?

Will Lassie ever get Timmy from the well... sorry... wrong announcement!!

Well you will have to wait and see...(about the roommate situation and the remainder of my time in Beijing... not Lassie....)

I will continue in my next blog... 

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" ~ Dalai Lama